Beachwood Sports ArchiveA monthly look back
Beachwood Sports VideoPlease Stop Believing 99 Years of Cub Losses The 1908 Song Blame It On Bartman We Can't Wait 100 Years Dusty Must Get Fired
Search The Beachwood Reporter
Subscribe to the Newsletter
I stand corrected.
The Bears can beat the Packers in a game Aaron Rodgers starts.
Meat-headedness aside, you hate to see a talented player lose time to broken things, though that sentiment doesn't extend to Christian Ponder who believes he'd been sidelined for the last several weeks with broken promises by the Vikings organization.
My wife's wine-fueled, initial reaction likely reflected the mood of many a Bear fan. I counted 15 "suck it bitches" before we headed to the kitchen for refills.
I know I'm getting on in years when I can only do a medium-range buzz on Monday nights*.
Thanks to the omnipresent malaise of social media, we all have access to the first blush reactions of not only our spouses (I only have one wife, but my mistress is the sea) but countless sports enthusiasts throughout the land.
Most of these reactions are slightly less intelligent than my wife's, and 22% were committed to e-print without the benefit of the author being tanked. I equally love and passionately hate the Internet.
And since I couldn't stay away, here's a quick sampling of the Twitter-sphere.
"H8t ya fakin bro! Kant jog to da tunnel w/brokeass collar bone! U must have broke yo 'gina Rodgers! #Commander-N-Spleef"
"Anybody got a spare helmet? Mine's in the car."
"Another white guy laying down on the job. Typical."
"He must really be hurt if he's sitting this one out."
I said last week that the thing that most interested me about Monday's game was the play of Josh McCown.
Now don't misconstrue that as an indication that I believe the journeyman backup is somehow a potential upgrade over Jay Cutler.
After four years with the same signal caller, it's just nice to get a little strange, even if he does look like retarded Dolph Lundgren . . . or is it the other way around?
Either way, Josh, I must break you . . . the bad news that you are probably headed back to the bench in the next week or so. Please accept this $840,000 salary as consolation. You knew what this was.
I want to give Marc Trestman and Phil Emery a little credit here for being the first leadership tandem in a long time able to identify and prepare a serviceable backup QB able to lead the first-team offense when called upon.
For their next trick, they will identify and prepare a safety who can start 16 games, as needed.
Your move, gents.
Lions Share . . . Their Foot . . . In Your Balls
Ndamukong Suh, Nick Fairley and the rest of the Detroit football team are coming to the lakefront with hopes of kicking Jay Cutler's ailing groin back into Daylight Savings Time.
Fortunately for Cutler, he likely won't be active for Sunday's contest and the aforementioned Dolph McCown is being backed up by professional cartoon punching bag George C. Scott.
Last time these teams met, Reggie Bush looked like he was young enough to have just been handed the keys to a $50,000 SUV by a creepily supportive 50-year-old man. I'll say it again: I don't get college football.
The undercurrent of pedophilia is just too strong for me to give the NCAA any money, so nieces and nephews, I'm giving you an early heads-up that there will be no Florida International Golden Panthers hoodies under the Christmas tree this year.
It will be interesting to see how the Bears, and their roster as it is currently configured, plan to impose their success template (see below) upon the Lions.
Other than a drive-by (good enough for Biggie, good enough for you Matt Stafford), I can't come up with any ideas. I guess we'll have to leave it up to the guy who's transitioned from "early-round bust" to "long-term solution in a 4-3" in public opinion faster than any man alive.
Though if I'm being honest, I'd much rather see Shea "The Hit Man" McClellin put Jim Schwartz in the Sharpshooter (look it up, kids) than Detroit's affable quarterback.
It's not his fault he got drafted by a team full of pricks.
Kool-Aid (3 Out Of 5 Soft-Boiled Eggs In A Fancy Cup)
I'm not kidding. I'm eating those eggs.
But they will be mixed with a strong Bloody Mary with extra pepper and tabasco so my farts smell weird.
Looking forward to watching the game together honey!
In addition to farts ( . . . and the Eugene S. Pulliam National Journalism Writing Award goes to . . . ), curiosity is what has me most excited about this game.
Will McCown start again or will the Bears roll with Cutler at 65%?
If McCown starts, can he be any good for a second-and-a-half consecutive game?
Was Shea McClellin the one who shot J.R.?
Is the defense still f-n bad enough for me to try putting one of those eggs into my drink just as an excuse to turn away from the TV?
Just because I don't think any Jim Schwartz-coached team has finishing ability, the Bears split the season series thanks largely to continued success by the Chicago offense.
*A tip for the budget-conscious drunk: $6 buys you a bottle of Romanian Pinot Grigio, Transylvania's finest export.
Carl Mohrbacher is our man on the Kool-Aid. He welcomes your comments.
Given all the factors, if the Sox don't land Machado, they simply just don't have the glamour and pizzazz to attract a player of his caliber.Continue reading "Get Manny!" »
Posted on Jan 14, 2019
Like his kicker, the Bears GM has been the most hit-and-miss at his job that we've ever seen in these parts.Continue reading "SportsMonday: Parkey & Pace" »
Posted on Jan 14, 2019