Subscribe to the Newsletter

Monster M*A*S*H

Call Hawkeye and Trapper, we've officially reached the point where laughing is the only way to cope.

Incidentally, the Bears could use a couple of warm bodies out there on defense.

Let's call Alan Alda and Donald Sutherland, Elliot Gould and Wayne Rogers, Jamie Farr and his cross dressing alter ego. I'm sure some of them are either still alive or at minimum, dead sexy.

With so few professional-caliber football players left on the Chicago squad to, um, play football, the Bears brass is going to have to show some real creativity to win games until reinforcements can arrive. The BAOKAR (pronounced "BAHW-KAAAAAARRR!") has volunteered several viable options throughout the season to as to how Chicago should compensate for its lack of healthy bodies.

We've suggested gusto from bench; a "next man up" approach . . . and then half of the bench mob got sent to the shelf.

We've asserted that the team could unearth relics of the past . . . for Chrissake, Arsenio is back on late night. I think it's actually the '90s. If Favre isn't available, see if Warren Moon is.

We've made the bold suggestion to remove the glass ceiling . . . ladies, 78% of $650,000 isn't that insulting. Get on the field!

And after a statistically improbable fourth week in a row with significant injuries to the starting lineup, we've just about run dry on ways to expand upon the snakebit narrative.

Seriously, I deleted a 500-word narrative subtitled JerBram Stoker's: Sackula in which the scourge known as Vampyr sends his minion Renfield to purchase Soldier Field so it can be re-sodded with Transylvanian earth allowing Nosferatu and his army of undead she-devils to regain their strength in the soil of their homeland during Chicago's several daylight hours.

Player feedback on the resurfaced field is universally positive and Mina Harker becomes the starting running back after Matt Forte is injured just before halftime of Week 10's home game against Detroit.

Also, Keanu Reeves simultaneously reprises his role as Jonathan Harker and Shane Falco by speaking in a "British?" accent while wearing a Washington Sentinels jersey.

I can't tell whether printing the actual manuscript makes me seem more or less crazy than describing it.

We might need a second opinion.

Mental Health Day
A tip of the madcap to Brandon Marshall for providing relief from the dog days of Breast Cancer Awareness Month. A couple of thoughts here.

One, breast cancer is an issue that impacts a maximum of 51% of the population, possibly 54% if you count those financially dependent on Sugar Mamas. By using shoes soaked in the urine of the Toxic Avenger, the Bears All-World receiver drew attention to a condition that impacts all of us. Footwear . . . I mean, wild self absorption . . . I mean, drinking our feelings . . . I mean shut up, how the hell are you reading my thoughts!!!

Ahem.

Two, I don't think anyone interested in sweater puppies can be more aware of them. Trust me, we see 'em.

In all seriousness, though, Marshall's cause is a good one. Anything that helps me spend less energy fashioning tinfoil hats and more time staring at healthy chesticles is OK in my book.

Rivalry Weak
Games against the Packers typically carry a certain amount of meathead gravitas and going into the season this year's games had the makings of a couple really compelling match-ups.

Big time quarterbacks with excellent play at the skill positions forced to turn up the heat by a couple of underachieving defenses. Fun, right?

But the afore-aforementioned injuries have made this match-up the football equivalent of the classic scene from I'm Gonna Git You Sucka in which a floozy decides to kick up her foot and let her hair off upon learning that Keenen Ivory Wayans isn't actually packing a five-dollar footlong.

Picture Aaron Rodgers confessing he doesn't have more than two receivers (I think Earl Boykins was signed off the Milwaukee Bucks practice squad to play wideout opposite Jordy Nelson) and Peanut Tillman reveals that this voluptuous defense of his isn't what it appears.

Clank.

Kool-Aid (2 Out Of 5 Plastic Cups Of Nacho Cheese)
There isn't a fan of the Windy City that expects the road team to win Monday night and I've . . . (fake yawn) . . . got an early day on Tuesday, or something, but I'll gut this one out.

I'm giving it a cup of cheese just because I want to see if Josh McCown is any better than the Caleb Hanies and the Jason Campbells of the world.

To that you may be saying, "Hey arrogant dumbass who dumps his free associative thoughts onto the Internet with impunity, wouldn't be exciting if they did win? Aren't you being a frontrunner who shuts down when the going gets tough?"

Sure, and I'd be right there cheering along with you if the Bears do end up posting 54 points, which is what will take to beat the Packers, right after I made a wise crack about Lupus.

I think the Bears offense continues to operate at a high-functioning level, but Eddie Lacy will gash the middle of this horrific defense and Aaron Rodgers will eventually get his chance to go deep once he realizes that Tillman can only cover one guy at a time.

Packers 44
Bears 28

-

Carl Mohrbacher is our man on the Kool-Aid. He welcomes your comments.

More from Beachwood Sports »

Driven: The Story Of The First African American Inducted Into The NASCAR Hall Of Fame

Wendell Scott was to NASCAR what Jackie Robinson was to baseball. The difference was that Robinson played in liberal Brooklyn and had the backing of Branch Rickey, and Scott raced in the segregated South and had . . . nobody."

Continue reading "Driven: The Story Of The First African American Inducted Into The NASCAR Hall Of Fame" »

Posted on Jun 20, 2017

The White Sox Report

Pelfrey's Proof

Motivating Mike - and Matt.

Continue reading "Pelfrey's Proof " »

Posted on Jun 19, 2017

The Beachwood Radio Sports Hour #157: The Cubs Are Officially In Trouble

And help may not be on the way. Plus: On Hahn; The Human Journey Of Scott Darling; Bears Look Good Against The Bears!; Dwyane Wade's Fake News; What Kevin Durant Has Done; The Pens & P.K.; and Schweinsteiger!

Continue reading "The Beachwood Radio Sports Hour #157: The Cubs Are Officially In Trouble" »

Posted on Jun 16, 2017

Breaking Beachwood Sports Feed!