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Bears Glass Half Full (Of Something)

The Bears somehow managed to leave the door open for a Viking upset, despite limiting Adrian Peterson's effectiveness and watching Christian Ponder's level of play inspire little boys everywhere to become long snappers.

And yes, if giving up three runs in six innings is a "Quality Start" in baseball, then giving up 100 yards and no touchdowns to AP is "limiting" him.

I assume those dastardly bartenders at Buffalo Wild Wings were behind the tight finish to Sunday's game. The only explanation for that throw on 1st and goal was that Jay Cutler's eyes were getting blasted by delicious condiments as he released the ball.

At least I'm hoping that was a ranch dressing spigot.

As a glass-half-full (of vodka) type, I'm not planning on putting much stock in the special teams gaffe and the case of the gum disease known as Fumblitis which changed what should have been a trip to the woodshed into a comeback victory.

But if you're the glass-is-half-empty type . . .

[Good, Bad - I'm The Guy With The Gun.*]

. . . then you should probably stop reading a column whose name implies a level of comfort ingesting something made out of sugary, powdered bears and get back to your full-time job of pissing all over rainbows.

That said, the aforementioned plays in last week's contest stoked the embers of the perennial "Good Jay, Bad Jay" discussion.

Good Jay:

  • Excels at ball protection; he always wears a jock.
  • Thick skin allows him to shrug off adversity, criticism, fashion sense, lung cancer . . .
  • Versatile; has disregarded four different playbooks during his five seasons as a Bear.

Bad Jay:

  • Often falls on the ground when accosted by large individuals.
  • Slow learner; only figured out that Martellus Bennett was on his team last week.
  • Totally pusses out at the end of 15-yard rushes. Hey Ty Cobb, let's reserve the sliding for the Super Crocodile Mile!

Old Man Miller
On Monday night I did a little advanced scouting of the Steelers, because drinking early in the week is just one example of my commitment to the written word, and thus enjoyed a few hours with our old friend, ESPN color analyst Jon Gruden.

Much has been written about Gruden's impossible levels of hyperbole and his tendency to work the term "this guy" into any sentence regarding someone on the field ("I call this guy Lisa Salters The Sheriff because every time she comes into town, she literally kills a drifter"), but on Monday night he began declaring third down-and-anything as "Dick LeBeau Time," which I believe is what Ben Roethlisberger says just before he imposes his will on you in a secluded nightclub bathroom.

Based on the track record of the Eastern leader in sports, we can expect some cross-marketing here. Move over Ken Jeong.

If you've got your crew and Miller Lite, it's Miller Time.

But what if one of your crew was Dick LeBeau? (Cue whammy bar scream.)

Cut to the 76-year-old LeBeau crouching in the fridge shoveling plain Cream Of Wheat into his mouth and screaming in a gravelly voice:

"It's LeBeau Time bitches! [hack, cough, snort, blarrrrgh] GET OFF MY LAWN!"

Freeze frame as Gruden uses his telestrator to crudely make the wooden spoon LeBeau is clenching look like a gun while he declares "I call this guy The Security Checkpoint because when you cross him, he takes away all your weapons!"

Kool Aid (3 Out Of 5 Cans Of Old German Premium Lager)
I already filled up on Penguin blood at the airport, so when in Rome.

The good news is that this isn't a Monday Night game and we're not going to have to listen to a four-quarter narrative about how hard it is to bring Ben Roethlisberger down . . . **.

And for Big Ben's sake, he better be as hard as advertised.

The Steeler offense has no blocking to speak of, no running backs worth mentioning, and a wide receiver corps that consists of two pretty fast black dudes and the gaffer from one of Troy Palamalu's Head and Shoulders commercials.

If you've been looking for a game where the Bears can apply decent pressure with a two-man front, ta-freaking-da!

The Steelers have playmakers on defense, but despite the guy in your fridge ready to party 'till 7:30 p.m., I don't think they can take away all of the Bears' weapons.

Bears 27
Steelers 17

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*Joke's on you, The Onion! Your lawsuit is baseless if I don't use a graphic.

**. . . to the precinct and get any charges to stick.

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Carl Mohrbacher is our man on the Kool-Aid. He welcomes your comments.

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Posted on May 22, 2017

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