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How do you make a 280-pound man disappear?
Apparently by matching him up against a backup left tackle.
It's early in the season so instead of rushing to judgement, let's draw the only reasonable conclusion as to why the Bears all-world defensive end was completely invisible against the Bengals.
Like Bran Stark*, Julius Peppers is a Warg, and last Sunday Marc Trestman tasked him with the theft of the Minnesota Vikings playbook. Using his mind projection powers, Peppers traversed the wilds of Wisconsin as a crafty, elusive badger and briefly inhabited the body of FSN sideline reporter Ann Carroll in order to gain access to the Twin City facilities.
While successful, the only secret the playbook yielded was that every single one of Minnesota's offensive plays is either an Adrian Peterson rush or a strategic Christian Ponder incompletion designed to rest Adrian Peterson.
Peppers also recovered a hastily scrawled warning written by former coach Brad Childress that indicates that the White Walkers will overrun St. Paul if Toby Gerhart rushes for more than 60 yards.
Chicago Bears Football, Featuring Rex Smith
Someone needs to splice together the chorus of "Everlasting Love" with a slow motion highlight reel of Brandon Marshall's catches during last week's decisive fourth-quarter scoring drive.
Full disclosure, I'm still paying off a $250,000 fine for making a similar video featuring Erik Kramer, Jeff Graham and the musical stylings of Richard Marx**, so when the NFL says that any rebroadcast, retransmission or account of this game is prohibited without their express written consent, you'd best believe them.
Now for those of you who think a YouTube mix tape is an inappropriate expression of joy, I'd like to direct you to the highlight reel for the 2005 Bears, which consists of Craig Krenzel and Justin Gage connecting for a two=yard completion on third-and-nine while a guy in tattered lederhosen plays The Price Is Right tuba noise before being raped off camera by the Fox Sports robot.
Oh, the boys back in the studio loved that bit, but now James Brown has to host the panel on CBS, a network whose ratings are bolstered largely by old people dying while The Mentalist is being aired.
RAPE IS INAPPROPRIATE, JAMES!
It's Eight Men In A Box!
We all know it's coming. An assfull of Adrian Peterson will be hurled at us for three hours this weekend.
To hell with down and distance, 3rd-and-7 is another great time for a rush off tackle. I don't even think the Vikings even have a punter.
That's because Adrian Peterson . . .
- his his own change-of-pace back.
- could run backwards and still score a touchdown by circumnavigating the globe.
- has a stiff arm so powerful that if he hits you, it'll hurt yo' mama.
- squats a guy squatting 450 pounds just because he gets bored eating cereal.
- will still rack up 115 yards and three scores even though Mel Tucker plans to forgo the Bears' usual 4-3 base defense and dial up a 9-2 defensive front.
Kool-Aid (2 Out Of 5 Minnesota Slammers)
Something that got buried in the feel-good come-from-behind nature of last week's win against Cincinnati was that the Bears offense looked stilted and ineffective for much of the game.
A lot of empty backfield formations ended in four-yard completions to Alshon Jeffery.
The Bears just might go conservative/apathetic enough to make this an interesting contest.
Jay Cutler may not be actually smoking on the sidelines, but I think he's going to ask Earl Bennett to see if the Field Museum sells Newports.
That said, Minnesota's offense makes paper look positively three-dimensional and I'm pretty sure that Cris Carter is fourth on the team in receiving yards despite having retired in 2002.
Christian Ponder will connect on five of his 17 pass attempts and despite logic, reason and the rules of American football, two of those receptions will be credited to Brandon Marshall.
Bears win, yawn.
* Game Of Thrones: Providing spank material for disappointed viewers of Cathouse and Real Sex since 2011.
** I'm still holding out hope that a win in my lawsuit against Ini Kamoze and Columbia Records will cover these costs. My '90s jam "Here Comes The Hostetler," a tribute to the then Raiders Pro-Bowl QB, was a huge hit in the Bay area months before this imposter hit the scene.
Carl Mohrbacher is our man on the Kool-Aid. He welcomes your comments.