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Unwilling to remain mired in competitive purgatory, Phil Emery has put his stamp on the franchise by installing a coaching staff that emphasizes a check-down-centric passing attack while making no changes to the defense at all.
For those of you who watched Swamp Road Boo Boo Truckers: Amish Invasion instead of the NFL Network in June (you're goddamn right I want to see Sterling Sharpe's childhood shanty), I'll take a moment to summarize the offseason.
- March - Emery tells Brian Urlacher he's got a work thing "super early," then offers him the $2 million on the dresser for cab fare before curling up in a bunch of blankets strewn about a conference room table and snoring at a cartoonish volume.
- April - the Bears address positions of need by drafting a youthful GMC truck spokesman and a linebacker who punches pieces of shit like you for breakfast.
- May - Evan Rodriguez is arrested for DUI. He would be cut a week later, and while "conduct detrimental to the team" was the reason officially cited, insiders confirm that if he had showcased more elusiveness, he'd be on the team for another six years.
- June - Gabe Carimi is traded to Tampa Bay for what was supposed to be a signed picture of Warren Sapp wearing his new gold jacket, but turned out to be just a Cedric The Entertainer headshot. However, the trade was accepted by the Bears . . . which was more than a little racist.
- July - Questions about diversifying the offense are met with an apathetic shrug as Jay Cutler targets Brandon Marshall 17 times during training camp's first press conference.
- August - In four Bear preseason games, the only thing we learn is that the Viking's offensive line must be a lot worse than we thought, because J'Marcus Webb is now in their employ.
Blue And Orange Is The New Black Unicorn
Obfuscated by the historic levels of futility at the quarterback and wide receiver positions is the blight on professional football known as the Chicago Bear tight end.
Get out your easel, flip chart and over-sized Sharpie. Jot down your top five Bear tight ends.
No, I will not accept "the guy from the '85 team," or just yelling "DITKA!"
While both are correct, I guarantee you that Emery Moorehead would roll over in his watery grave* if he knew that his name eluded you, given what he contributed to the championship squad.
Another brave tight end claimed by the sea.
Damn you Davie Jones!
But seriously, Davie Jones is 11th in franchise history for receptions by a tight end.
Enter Marcellus Bennett and his 50+ receptions. The former Giant brings with him . . .
Wait, it's "Martellus?" OK, fine.
In any case, by virtue of possessing a mediocre track record as a professional athlete who plays the tight end position, Martellus Bennett has become the eighth greatest Bears TE in history, so move over Dustin Lyman (14 receptions and 2 TDs in 2002).
That's right America, we've got a dude with a catch phrase! Have it chambered and ready for that first score.
As easy as it is to hone in on Peter BenJarvis Geraci Green-Ellis and the promising Cincinnati offense, the match-up to watch is the hey-look Bears O-line (as in, "hey look, they have an O-line) against the aggressive Bengals defensive front led by all-world tackle, Geno Atkins.
When asked about his new $55 million contract, Atkins described himself as a "vigorous, and noisy" lover and thanked the man upstairs for his new "Pimpcopter" that would allow him to "fly high enough to figure out where the hell Cincinnati is on the map."
Let's hope he gets lost up there; this dude is a beast.
Kool-Aid (4 Out Of 5 Glasses Of Milk)
. . . because I quit drinking since last season.
Hahahahahaha! Just kidding, I'm still a high-functioning alcoholic and will be laying waste to that vodka I hid in the file cabinet which holds empty binders labeled "Taxes: 2009" during my lunch break.
But enough about me. The ones with the real problem are the Bears.
This Bengals team is a legitimate contender. We have absolutely no idea what to expect out of this Chicago offense, other than Michael Ford will have 138 yards rushing.
I believe everything I see in the preseason, that's why I select Jeff Sorgi in the second round of my fantasy draft every year.
Here's the deal. If the Black Unicorn and Matt Forte combine for more than 10 receptions, it means Jay Cutler got rid of the ball fast enough for the offense to get traction and the Bears defense can take care of the rest.
Unfortunately, I don't think that's going to happen. The 2013 group is going to need a couple of weeks to figure out who they are.
* Specializing in the sale of new residential construction, connect with Emery Moorehead from his watery grave on LinkedIn.
Carl Mohrbacher is our man on the Kool-Aid. He welcomes your comments.