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The Blue & Orange Kool-Aid Report: Bears vs. The Offseason

No point in mincing words, this offensive scheme was silly and I completely blame it for the Bears not winning the division.

I blame it like I blame Animal's cocaine habit for breaking up Dr. Teeth And The Electric Mayhem.

I blame it like I blame John Wilkes Booth for ruining the third act of Our American Cousin.

I blame it like I blame Scott Bakula for . . . well, he knows why we can't visit Rochester again.

The blocking schemes showed improvement over the course of the year, but just because shredded salami makes a better salad than dead leaves and shit doesn't make it a salad.

If I had written "Mike Tice will accidentally run that Earl Bennett screen three times against Detroit because he kept pushing 'A' on the Xbox controller while he was bullshitting with Scott Linehan on the phone and was only paying half attention to the game" in one of my bullet point prediction bits, you would have bought that as a joke, right?

That . . . friggin' . . . happened.

(Deep breath) . . . the thing about the play action pass is that IT DOES NOT F-ING WORK WITH AN EMPTY BACKFIELD ON 2ND AND 8!!!

A whole season of that. Literally a whole season.

Luv-E Is Just A Four-Letter Word
You have to wonder what it would have taken to change the public perception of Lovie Smith's tenure.

One more win against the Texans in '08, one more win against the Vikings in '12 and one really suggestive striptease to "Pony" in Virginia McCaskey's office and the guy probably has a job today.

In all cases, it's a game of inches.

Don't feel bad for the clean-mouthed, straight 'n' narrow Smith, though.

He'll spend the next several months cutting loose by experimenting with different types of Crystal Lite, reading parts of the Bible he hasn't covered in a while and touring the Texas bar circuit fronting his King's X cover band It's Lovie.

Meanwhile, the rest of us have another wacky Bears coaching search to look forward to. Interviewing Pat Summitt covers the Rooney Rule, right?

Better Than Golf
* Charles Tillman: The man they call "Peanut" will spend the offseason touring middle schools as a speaker and recording PSAs* on behalf of the Safety Concern Of America Council in an effort to warn the country's youth of Teabagging's inherent dangers. Apparently kids are making YouTube videos centered around seeing how long one can put their balls in hot liquids. So we're done with LOL Cats?

* Devin Hester: After a season of putting up Jerricho Cotchery-type numbers, Hester retires so he can pick up where his research team left off at "The U" and gets a job at Fermilab working toward leveraging the potential of particle acceleration as a renewable energy source.

* Roberto Garza: Will temporarily take over as the host of Sabado Gigante after Chilean superstar Don Fransisco is forced to resign amidst scandal when it is revealed that he has been happily married for 30 years.

* Rod Marinelli: Going back to Vietnam to finish the job.

SURPRISE! It's Over.
We've sipped it, pounded it, slurped it and some of you weirdos even snorted it. As a result, we're all out of Kool-Aid this year and it's going to take another 16 weeks to restock our shelves.

I predict Phil Emery will do the sensible thing and trade his second through fifth-round picks for a first-round can't-miss offensive lineman, but if this year has taught me anything it's that life is full of surprises.

Not like, surprise I bought you a cake.

Like, BOO! Your favorite team is on the couch this week while seemingly 13 rookie quarterbacks have managed to get a first-round bye.

Also, you have gout.

And your wife has been carrying on with that guy from the King's X cover band.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go boil some water, drop my pants and grab my cell phone. Peanut Tillman told me there's a quick way to get famous on the internet.

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*"Hi, I'm Charles Tillman. Many of you know me as a cornerback for the Chicago Bears and I'm here to talk to you about ball security."

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Carl Mohrbacher is our man on the Kool-Aid beat. He welcomes your comments.

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