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The Blue & Orange Kool-Aid Report: Introducing OAF

Due to mounting pressure from basic math and things I see with my eyes (I ate nine pierogies for breakfast on Sunday, you don't want to know what my nose thinks), I have to begrudgingly admit that 13 games is enough of a sample size to downgrade my rating for the 2012 offense.

As it seems my estimation of this year's team worth was a tad overblown, I'll endeavor to be more subjective for the remainder of the season.

Henceforth, I will join my colleagues at Beachwood and adopt the complex and proprietary set of calculations known as the Offensive Analysis Formula as a means to rate both individual players and the Bears as a team.

Developed by top programmers at Deloitte in conjunction with rocket scientists pilfered from Germany near the end of the war*, Beachwood uses OAF to accurately dissect each offensive play and compile an accurate and objective judgment as to whether 16 of the 100 guys involved in a football game are entirely responsible for wins and losses.

OAF returns a value within a 0 to 100 range and is designed to give fans a quick reference to an offensive performance. We use four shorthand ratings of "YAY!," "Meh," "Inconsistent" and "Shitty" to label the quadrants of the 0 to 100 scale (YAY! = 76-100, Shitty = 0-25, etc).

So when I say that the offense played "Shitty" on Sunday, understand that I mean it in the strictest, scientific sense.

Home Lobotomy Kit
If loose lips sink ships, then slick hands ruin pervert vans.

Wait, what?

Game . . . so . . . bad . . . again.

Analogy jokes . . . difficult to . . . make.

Between the low-grade stroke my high blood pressure is giving me and the repeated force of slapping myself in the forehead the last two weeks, I've been brain damaging the candle on both ends.

The fact that I've been watching The Voice could also have something to do with it. Listening to Christina Aguilera definitely lowers your IQ.

Darfur, areas of New Orleans still ruined from Katrina, Cee-Lo muppets; it all comes back to Christina.

So what was I saying about lacrosse?

The "Get Devin Hester In Space" Package...
. . . only works when Devin Hester catches the ball . . . in space.

Hey, Tice: A moment of your time please.

Throwing the ball Hester's way more does not constitute "mixing it up" on offense any more than doing it missionary in the den is "mixing it up" just because you're physically out of the bedroom.

Kool-Aid (5 Out Of 5 Pitchers)
On the one hand I'm wildly disappointed with the performance of the team in the last five weeks (read: I've been doing some light cutting on one of my hands). On the other (uncut) hand, there's something to be said for having the entire season come down to a December date with the Packers.

Despite my best efforts, I can't even pretend to be emotionally detached from this team for one week, let alone 600 words.

Can you ask for a higher high or a lower low?


I feel like I owe it to myself to get high, so I'm pushing all my fragile, alcohol-soaked emotional chips into the middle of table and betting that Rod Marinelli can scheme up a way to cover Randall Cobb.

Bears 21
Packers 20


*It was the end of the Gulf War, but you can never have too many guys in lab coats named Hans hanging around the office.


Carl Mohrbacher is our man on the Kool-Aid. He welcomes your comments.

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