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The Blue & Orange Kool-Aid Report: Great Dane, A Freaked Bears Nation Turns Its Eyes To You

WILSON!
Boy did that asshole ever make our front seven look hurt and old.

A mirror has the same effect, but still.

To be fair to the defense, I doubt Rod Marinelli dialed up any schemes that account for the QB rolling out and running for first-down yardage - eight consecutive times. Next time we play the Seahawks, I'll lobby to get my 10-year-old nephew on the sidelines so the Bears can employ the defensive strategy he uses against his friends in online Madden '09 matchups.

Next (Ger)Man Up
Fans of the 2011 preseason, get ready to don your "Don't Sanzen The Bacher" t-shirts and have that passion for strudel set ablaze; due to a stunning lack of available players, the Great Dane is ready to make his triumphant return to the end zone!

Seven yards per reception, sweaty eyebrows*, a roster spot; taken in the context of Bears wide receiving history, you're looking at the total package.

To say that the Bears are experiencing a "rash" of injuries is like saying the reason your healthy colon cells are being eaten is because your cancer is feeling "peckish." Pieces of this team are falling off fast enough to declare leprosy.

Geno Hayes, Nick Roach, whoever the hell is going to replace Lance Briggs when he tears an oblique near the end of the first half, COME ON DOWN! Do the Bucs have a backup punter we can sign? Great! Adam Podlesh isn't injured, but the way he's kicking he might as well be.

Good News Everyone

  • In a twist of scheduling** the Bears are somehow playing the Minnesota Vikings for the second time in three weeks.
  • Christian Ponder is still the Vikings quarterback and he is still only marginally better than Tarvaris Jackson, who is now in Buffalo (via Seattle) and is yet to hit the field this season.
  • Percy Harvin is on injured reserve. He can't hurt us from there. Much.
  • Our linebackers weren't going to be able stop Adrian Peterson anyway. The upcoming 212-yard performance will happen no matter who we run out there.

Bad News Everyone

  • This is essentially a win-or-die game for the Vikings. (Gabe Carimi has declared it's a "RIDE OR DIE" game for the Bears, but screaming DMX lyrics at the top of your lungs on the team plane doesn't usually translate into victories, so stop it.)
  • With 20% of all Diners, Drive-ins and Dives episodes being filmed in the Twin City metro area, the remaining healthy Bears will play through the pain of diarrhea. On a positive note, Guy Fieri will be signed to take the place of Evan Rodriguez after the fullback is injured slipping on a grease puddle.
  • OH MY F-ING GOD! WE LOST TO THE GODDAM SEAHAWKS! I'M NEVER GETTING OVER THIS! EVEN IF WE WIN THE FRIGGIN' SUPER BOWL I'LL HANG ONTO THIS DISGUSTING MEMORY FOREVER! JUST LIKE THAT F-ING FALCONS GAME IN '08! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!

Kool-Aid (2 Out Of 5 Pitchers Of Actual Kool-Aid With A Shot Of Cyanide)
Sorry, I needed that.

The Bears deserved to lose that game, given the way the defense played. I see that now. I'm hurt and it's going to take some time for me to forgive. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to hit Legal Zoom to purchase some important DNR forms.

The sad thing is that this season will still likely include a playoff run. The Bears will beat the Vikings and the Cardinals. Following that, I feel a case of First Round Bounce coming on. Achoo.

My New Year's resolution is to stop procrastinating at work, so in the spirit of getting ahead of things, I'll just throw a "DAMN YOU RG3!" out there in advance.

The Seahawks proved me wrong last week, but they're just a plain ol' better team than Adrian Peterson, Jared Allen and some collection of other players.

Bears win, but I'm not getting too excited about it.

Bears 20
Vikings 13

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*I'm looking forward to explaining to my wife why I have that picture of Sanzenbacher on my desktop.

**Can a turn of phrase be manipulated into an oxymoron? Your move Mr. Oxford Webster, king of words.

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Carl Mohrbacher is our man on the Kool-Aid. He welcomes your comments.

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