Subscribe to the Newsletter

The Blue & Orange Kool-Aid Report: Mmm Bot

Quit Yer Grinnin' And Drop Yer Lineman

I suppose if this whole "blocking" thing doesn't work out, Gabe Carimi can always go back to working the pole over at Package Deal.

By day he stands with Israel, but by night he stands at attention . . . in the pants!


Loosen up those purse strings because his "A" gap is open for business aaaaaannd pleasure, ha HA!

C'mon down to stage three and say hello to Man-ischewitz!

O-Line Power Rankings (abr.)

32). Arizona Cardinals
33). 40 empty boxes of Wheaties stacked up into a pyramid
34). Eddie Murphy simultaneously performing the roles of a center, two guards and two tackles
35). Chicago Bears

SELECT * FROM [dbo].turkey WHERE family_unit LIKE 'passive aggressive'

To all of my non-Native American readers, Happy Thanksgiving!

To my Native American readers, I'd like to apologize for smallpox on behalf of my Conquistador forefathers.

Prior to mid-afternoon diabetic coma, many a Bears fan will nestle up on the couch, quietly give thanks for the Lions game and listen to their mothers point out that cousin Jared "is doing so well at the accounting firm."

The Lions? You ask incredulously, because once again your dementia is acting up and you're speaking to inanimate pixels on an iPad. Why should I be thankful for those D-wads?

Let me illustrate why by way of a short re-enactment. I'm sure many of you can relate.

"So have you thought about any of those community college brochures I sent you?"

I've been working in IT for seven years, mom. I'm not rich, but Sheila and I are doing fine.

"Oh I'm sure you are, honey. I just thought that maybe you would consider having some children, well you know, if you were working in an industry that was a little more stable."

Computers aren't going anywhere mom. We'll be fine. We don't want any kids right now.

"Well, they said the same thing about typewriters in my day. You really need more of an education than an associates degree if you expect to be a provider someday."

We're fine, mom.

"I was talking to Susan down the street and you remember her son Robbie. You guys used to play together?"

Um, yeah. When we were like, six.

"Well, Susan told me that Robbie owns his own restaurant and that his wife Sally is expecting their second! Isn't that exciting?"

What's that Sheila? Whoa! Look at the time! The Lions are about to start. Gotta go!

Division Collision

We all got excited about a home bout with the Vikings when we saw the schedule.

Phew. A break in this run of good teams. Just in time for the holidays!

Thanks, robot that makes NFL scheduling algorithms!

It turns out that Adrian Peterson didn't forget how to run through walls, even a mullet-less Jared Allen still likes to raise/rope/etc. (mullet-less-ness not pictured*) and second year QB Christian Ponder has developed nicely into a generic white guy who can throw footballs pretty good**.

The scary thing about this game is we're only a few more crap-ass offensive series' away from the Bears legitimately looking up at the Packers and Vikings in the standings.

Look, worst case scenario they'll be 7-4. I'm not suggesting it's time to do anything drastic, but it would be a good time for the coaching staff to start doing nightly bed checks, just in case any of the numerous Japanese Bears special teamers are considering honor suicides.

It's not that crazy. We had a Samurai Mike at one point.

Kool-Aid (3 Out Of 5 Glasses Of Regular Kool-Aid. No poison - for now.)

Considering the circumstances leading up to this game, it's easy to feel a little detached from this promising season, but don't worry, the Bears should play angry on Sunday.

It would be nice to get another Carolina-esqe finish (big comeback, last-minute heroics and so forth) to stir up some positive emotion, but I think it's going to go the way of the Ass Hammering.

I gotta ask, is Ass Hammering one of those rich guy sports?

Like where 11 guys aggressively try to rape 11 other guys, attempting to avoid rape themselves while the Monopoly Man and Donald Trump make $75,000 side bets?

Man (who you are trying to rape): the most dangerous game of all.

If the Lions game gets out of hand, I'll watch.

Bears 30
Vikings 14


*Wouldn't it be awesome if Jared Allen donated his mullet to science and the robot that makes NFL schedules was the donee? Thanks for the laughs, Mullet-bot!

**How white, you ask? The thought bubble above Ponder in this picture reads "I like mayonnaise!"


Carl Mohrbacher is our man on the Kool-Aid beat. He welcomes your comments.

More from Beachwood Sports »

Agony & Ivy

Reclaim the Cubs!

Continue reading "Agony & Ivy" »

Posted on Jun 15, 2022

TrackNotes: Back To The Future

Will Bob Baffert ever go away? Churchill Downs Inc.: It's just what they do. Dickie D. dead. Cliches can shape your biorhythms. Double-teaming justice. You look just like. We asked one person, me.

Continue reading "TrackNotes: Back To The Future" »

Posted on Jan 28, 2022

The White Sox Report

Minnie Miñoso Was Very, Very Good To Us

Electric, indefatigable and, finally, undenied.

Continue reading "Minnie Miñoso Was Very, Very Good To Us" »

Posted on Dec 9, 2021