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Houston, We Have A Doldrum
If you're like me, then one of the highlights of your day is taking a nice big dump. That's why I wash down my morning chili with a hearty 32oz bottle of room temperature Hollywood Diet.
The downside of having your day peak in the AM mid-BM is that the best part is usually over before work.
Ever the innovators, Chicago's offense had no such problem on Sunday, opting to stretch out the fun by crapping down their leg between about 8 p.m. and 10:30 p.m.
That was hard to watch.
Tight End All Be All
Despite season long inconsistency, this era of Bears offense has made great strides. Case in point, the most popular guy in town went from the backup quarterback (see: Chad Hutchinson, Shane Matthews) to the second-string tight end following Kellen Davis's performance against the Texans.
That's right. We've got a statistically legitimate number of fans that are clamoring for one Evan Rodriguez to crack the starting lineup as something other than an eighth-back.
So what's your big plan here guys, other than losing a six-inch mismatch in the end zone*?
What Mike Tice needs to do is ditch the Devin Hester "package" that consists of one screen and a terrible end-around that I assume either got found in the flap of some kid's Yu-Gi-Oh! Trapper Keeper or in the grass just in front of Mike Martz's old parking spot.
Tice, I'm begging you, reboot the Earl Bennett package. Fourteen-yard hooks, a second option over the middle, third down conversions; that kinda stuff.
First-Rate Second-String Matchup
As we speak, the editing room in Bristol is likely abuzz with activity whipping up Campbell vs. Kaepernick head-to-head graphics for Monday night's top NFC showdown, though I'm secretly hoping they just put up the helmeted silhouette that Madden '01 uses for players that you pretend drafted in Franchise Mode.
There's a good chance that both teams will have their full complement of starting quarterbacks, but if they don't, fans on the third coast and the left coast alike are going to have to come up with some ways of making this game entertaining.
"But Carl," you say because head trauma makes you speak aloud to the Internet, "I have work on Tuesday. I'm not some white-collar asshole that has vacation days. I need to cut myself off at 12 beers or I won't be able to stumble through my 14-hour shift at the textile mill."
To which I reply: Ha ha ha ha! You should have considered a lucrative career in online column-ism, Mr. Schmoe. You'll play your drinking game and like it.
49 Bottles Of Beer On The Wall
Take a drink every time:
1. ESPN "introduces" us to Patrick Willis. According to ESPN, nobody has enough awareness of West Coast teams because of a lack of media coverage. By ESPN.
2. The term "game manager" is uttered as it pertains to what Jason Campbell and Alex Smith do, but Jay Cutler don't. I'll see you in the emergency room around 9:30.
3. A San Francisco-themed song is played going into a commercial break.
Kool-Aid (4 Out Of 5 Soup Filled Bread Bowls)
Look, I know last week was tough to stomach, but stay chubbed. This season is worth hanging in there with. The Bears should bounce back from that stinker.
I mean, c'mon. The only time I should see the words "and one" on the TV screen is when the NBA On NBC Is Brought To You By "And One" inexpensive but EXTREME sports apparel.
Go back to Portugal, Pele.
Jay Cutler plays, Bears win.
Jason Campbell plays . . . eeeeehh? Not sure.
Bears 27, 49ers 14
49ers 14, Bears 10
*FYI: Lakeview's "Six Inches In The Endzone" is a fine place to meet bear fans, but may not be what you had in mind if you're looking for a sports bar.
Carl Mohrbacher is our man on the Kool-Aid. He tolerates your comments.