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The Tillman With The Iron Fists
Most . . . Valuable . . . Puncher.
But if history has taught us anything, Peanut is either going to have to start throwing touchdowns or step it up on the statutory rape if he is going to bring home the real MVP.
Garbage Pail Offense
Taking a page out of the 2008 Patriots playbook (25 point lead = endless passing), the side of the ball that is paid to move it forward finally did so in the fourth quarter on Sunday.
Last time I told my wife to hang out for 40 minutes while I worked out the kinks in my aerial attack (Two Words: Helicopter Balls), I did not score three times, so kudos to the Bears for getting it done in the face of disinterest.
Next time, let's call the 40-yard bomb to Brandon Marshall in the second quarter.
Congratulations Gary Johnson
Many of you rocked the vote on Tuesday.
Maybe you threw your vote away and went Libertarian*.
Maybe you're a moron and voted for The Rock as a write in.
Maybe you're into role reversal and the vote rocked you.
Unbeknownst to me, robbing a bank in Tanzania counts as a felony in the United States, so I was only able to do one of those things.
Several of the Bears were able to cast a ballot this year and while I'm not admitting to theft, again, let's just say that I can now name at least three giant, black Republicans.
Turns out guys who make more than 120k a year want to hang onto more than 62% of their income regardless of skin pigment.
What do you get if you give the Lions a defense and a running game? That's right, a playoff team! But more specifically, you'd have something like the Texans.
Sunday night's game against Houston will provide fans around the league a chance to set their expectations for a team known locally as a great defense with an offense that comes to the party only half chubbed.
Green Bay fans, put down that tremendous barrel of cheese curd filling and let me get a quick aside with you douchebags for just a moment.
You beat the Bears fair and square in Week Two. Cool. No problem.
I mean, it took a gadget play and a couple of blown opportunities by the Bears defense, but they all count I guess.
If the Bears win against the Texans, I don't want to hear the bullshit by-way-of-our-team-beat-the-team-that-you-beat-our-team-is-better-even-though-our-record-is-two-games-worse logic on Monday.
Save that kind of garbage for ranking Mountain West teams against the Big 12 and deciding who pays for pizza after your fat kid's tee-ball game.
Kool-Aid (5 Out Of 5 Pitchers Of Straight Up Hype Bitches!)
So here comes the run of gut-check games that will ultimately decide whether the Bears are a two-seed or a four-seed.
Uh, let me rephrase that.
Here comes the big, bad AFC comin' into our town trying to ruin our party by the lake.
Well "F" those guys. "F" them in the "E" hole (that's the grossest of all holes).
They pull a guard, we pull a knife.
They shoot a gap, we shoot their momma.
That's the Chicago way.
The Texans have an excellent defense, but compared to a squad that can, and regularly does, account for 15 points via touchdowns and field position, Houston's just . . . eh.
I like the Bears' chances.
*Did they get the 5% necessary for federal funding? I couldn't bear the shock of Illinois going Democrat and tuned out.
Carl Mohrbacher is our man on the Kool-Aid. He welcomes your comments.