Sports

The Blue & Orange Kool-Aid Report

By Eric Emery

In my experience, those who seem to be bat shit crazy are often proven to be bat shit crazy (BSC). At first glance, our favorite hoaxers, the Hennes, are mostly likely BSC. You are a prime candidate for BSC when you appear on Wife Swap. If you build balloons in your backyard, you're probably BSC. And when you take acting lessons and pitch your reality show in the hopes that American sees how BSC you actually are, you are 100 percent, Grade A, put it on the boarrrrrrd yes, BSC.

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After the Bears lost last week, they are feeling a little BSC themselves. Rather than take responsibility for their untimely penalties and turnovers, the players submitted the following hoax ideas to divert our attention from their own failures.

* OT Orlando Pace is pictured swimming. Team submits picture as proof of the Loch Ness monster.

* WRs Johnny Knox and Earl Bennett start a singing group called Milli Vanilli. They are found to be imposters, of course.

* Bears send e-mails to their next opponent stating that they won $10 million in an Internet Lottery, and that they should submit some small details, such as their name, address, Social Security Number, and upcoming game plan.

* The Bears start an e-mail chain letter that states the Mayan calendar ends on 2012. Since the Mayans used the same date structure as Europe, the world will end on 20 December. Letter ends by saying that you should send the e-mail to 242 of your friends or you will subject to a Bears loss next week.

* After having the same hoax pulled on him countless times, Brian Urlacher announces that he is pregnant.

* The Bears pay Sarah Palin to assert that "not only did dinosaurs and humans walk the earth at the same time, but bears did as well." Consequently, all bears deserve our respect and gratitude."

* The Bears hire Criss Angel to perform his teleportation trick to always show the Bears ball carrier in the end zone.

* The Bears keep telling fans that everything is okay, and all is under control.

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Bears at Bengals

Storyline: Both teams could have one loss. On the flip side, both teams could have one win. Which team will actually show up?

Reality: I have no fucking idea. When in doubt, take the points.

Prediction: Bears Plus 1.5 Points, Under 42 Points Scored

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Record: 5-3

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Sugar in the Blue and Orange Kool-Aid: 70%
Recommended sugar in the Blue and Orange Kool-Aid: 55%

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For more Emery, please see the Blue & Orange Kool-Aid Report archives and the Over/Under collection. He welcomes your comments.

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