Subscribe to the Newsletter

The Blue & Orange Kool-Aid Report: Peanut vs. Fig

Not that a church-going man like myself needs to have the fear of God put in him more than twice a week (long story short, meatball subs have no place in a shooting range), but Ndamukong Suh's devastating (but clean) hit on Jay Cutler had many of us Bear fans nervously stroking our rosaries Monday night and not just because our wife was due back from the store any minute (seriously honey, call ahead).

Peace be with you Jason Campbell, but your second coming as a starter will have to wait until at least Week 8.

Peanut For President
Those of you who haven't been completely driven away from the polls by apathy or an ID check* probably caught glimpses of the third presidential debate during breaks in the action. Like many undecided voters, I'm having a hard time identifying the specific initiatives either candidate will spearhead to make a difference for me, the middle-class white guy.

Munching on a gas station chili dog I found in my hoodie, it dawned on me:

Anyone who can cover Calvin Johnson like that has my vote.

Don't give me that look. Some of you actually voted for Obama in '08 because he could ball a little bit.

Now, some may have doubts about Tillman's electability. Let's speak to those preliminary concerns for a moment.

  • The man was born right here in Chicago, not in a Kenyan Planter's factory as some allege.
  • Think "Peanut" isn't a presidential name? Then you always cast your vote for a guy with an All-American name like Barack or Willard.
  • And if you're of the persuasion that it would be weird having a football player as commander-in-chief, consider that we're either going to have a black guy or a Mormon sworn into office this January. We've come a long way baby!

Also let me remind you that Charles Tillman is the only being on Earth who can stop Megatron.

Say it with me: President Optimus, (L) [for Lib-Bear-Tarian].

Feels good, right?

Worst-case scenario, we get four years of the second-greatest African-American president in history.

Nabisco Does Not Make Quarterbacks
Despite their 1-5 record, many around the league were surprised to learn that long-time Carolina Panthers GM Marty Hurney had been fired on Monday.

There has been much speculation about the reason for the move at the top. Theories include:

  • Owner Jerry Richardson had been working under the assumption that quarterback Cam Newton was filled with delicious fig paste. It came to light on Sunday afternoon that he was not . . . when Richardson attempted to bite a piece of Newton's arm off, likely to quell his sorrows after a loss to the Cowboys. The exchange did not go well and the man who drafted Newton was summarily dismissed.
  • Hurney did not label China the No. 1 currency manipulator on the mid-season draft board and the right-leaning owner lost faith in his executive's scouting abilities**.
  • Meatball subs have no place near an open casket. Nana Richardson will be missed.

Kool Aid (3 Out Of 5 Rocks Glasses Of Carolina Iced Tea)
This game really deserves a two-glass rating, but like many alcoholic fans I am legitimately excited about being able to drink beer in the shower at 11 a.m. again.

Noon start, you're the best enabler ever!

With their offense sputtering and their defense performing at middle-of-the-back-of-the-pack levels, there isn't much to like about Carolina unless of course you are an opposing team and they are on your schedule.

Check and check!

'Tis right about the point of the season were Lovie imposes his brand of mellow, consistent, low-key will upon the offense and forces his coordinators to commit to the run game.

Forte goes for 125, Bush for 80, the defense is still the defense. Bears win.

Bears 24
Panthers 10


*You heard me, Polish illegals. Our nanny jobs belong to good, honest, hardworking Guatemalans.

**World's No. 2 Currency Manipulator: Trinidad and Tobago. The bastards are artificially suppressing the value of the TTD to synthetically bolster profits stemming from Calypso drum exports.


Carl Mohrbacher is our man on the Kool-Aid. He welcomes your comments.

More from Beachwood Sports »

The Beachwood Radio Sports Hour #248: Cubs Season Already Exhausting

Pleasure greatly exceeded by pressure, urgency, payroll, bullpen, Bryzzo. Plus: Most Dramatic Week Of White Sox Season Already Over; TWIB Notes; Tiger Woods Is No Ben Hogan, Muhammad Ali Or Rick Allen; Third-Choice Porter Moser Lays Down A Marker; and Bears Skipping First Day Of Draft.

Continue reading "The Beachwood Radio Sports Hour #248: Cubs Season Already Exhausting" »

Posted on Apr 19, 2019

Breaking Beachwood Sports Feed!