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The Blue & Orange Kool-Aid Report: Head For The Mountains

Look, there's no shame in losing to the Packers in Green Bay. They're a quality team and figure to be a big piece of the NFC landscape going forward.

However, there might be shame in dropping passes in the end zone . . . or shame in letting game-saving interceptions ricochet off of your palms . . . or shame in quickly wiping your hands on Clay Matthews just before he runs past you on his way to your quarterback . . .

To sum up Week Two, the Bears hands will go to the box, get two minutes to themselves, and they will feel shame.

So It's A Low Ankle Sprain?
Great news Bears fans!

Dr. Lovard Smithington of the Northwestern Tibia And Joint Clinic has informed us that Matt Forte's potentially season-boning injury is only a season-stroking injury.

Ankles: the appendix of the leg.

Fortunately, when we're "due" for a running back, we can head for the mountains of Busch**.

Toatals McGoatals
Let's set the Over/Under on Danny Amendola catches at 24.5; video clips of Bill Cowher tackling/injuring former Bear/current Ram Jeff Fisher at 1.5; and the number of Fox mid-play "Good Jay/Bad Jay" statistical splits where the picture of Cutler in the "Good Jay" graphic shows him poised to heroically hurl a frozen rope 70 yards downfield and the "Bad Jay" graphic is a picture of Cutler looking like he is simultaneously being stepped on and also taking a bite of a meatball sub (INHALE!) . . . at 4.5.

Totals McTopicals
Forget this Karen Lewis character, the CTU should have hired agent Tom Condon as their union chief.

$50,000,000* guaranteed, huh?

Sounds about right.

Kool-Aid (2 Out Of 5 Glasses Of Cold Shower Water)
The 2012 Bears might not beat a 10, but they can definitely beat five 2's***.

Lookie here, it's one of them 2's.

Bears fans need this win to be convincing. Not like, 30-14 convincing, but like 56-10.

Akin to hiring a prostitute to bind, gag and cane because the visage of former humanity that haunts the empty hallways of your inner being has become so emotionally vacant that the small joys which typically evoke pleasant stimulus and respite from the burdens of daily life within normal people no longer apply to your hollow shell.

Or maybe the Bears just need some momentum to appease the local fan base.

The Bears will win, but this victory will be straight missionary.

Bears 20
Rams 13

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*That's Billion with an "M"
**Apropos of nothing, Mountain Dew makes women loose and turkeys dead
*** Google "George Carlin" kids

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Carl Mohrbacher is our man on Kool-Aid duty. He welcomes your comments.

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