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The Blue & Orange Kool-Aid Report: Executive Decisions

The good news is, if the rash of injuries to starting offensive players continues at this pace, it's only a matter of time before Mike Martz has his tibia fractured in a freak catering accident.

Caleb's Quest
Horrific leg bone accidents aside, let's all bow our heads in a moment of silence for the death of Caleb Hanie's stillborn fortune. The recent four-game losing streak has cost no one more dearly and unfortunately, Hanie made some unwise investments with the money he thought he was sure to earn as a free agent this offseason.

Putting up $42,000 in seed money for a product called "Handsome Hanie's Mustache And Groin Polish: For Men" would have been his most questionable decision, if not for the fact that he paid Kim Jong-il $1.5 million up front to endorse a line of bamboo-based semi-finished industrial-grade floor mats.

Best of luck to you in your future endeavors, Caleb.

Have You Hurd?
In the context of a breaking news story, the term "distribution network" is almost never preceded by a phrase like "Toys For Tots."

It's almost always "counterfeit," "child trafficking," "sex slave," or "Nate Newton."

In other news, Craig Steltz has been implicated in a black market crawfish smuggling ring.

Executive Decisions
If the monumental collapse that is the 2011 season continues, heads will roll and the Bears will need to make big changes up at Halas. With Jerry Angelo and Tim "Waskally Wuskell" Ruskell out of the picture, I nominate the ticket of Steven Seagal and Kurt Russell . . . you heard me.*

But don't worry about the great minds that brought you this paper thin roster, they've got other big opportunities in the works.

* A long-time lover of things that resemble desert toppings, Jerry Angelo owns a 10% stake in the Dippin' Dots corporation; the ice cream product that is only big sprinkles. He'll be fine!

* Tim Ruskell can join MSNBC as a member of the weekly digest Lefty Agenda, though technically his only background as a liberal talking head is that his name sounds like that of a liberal talking head.

* The duo will star in a violent, often racist cartoon called Tim & Jerry.

Kool Aid (2 Out Of 5 Glasses Of Jamestown Special)
The Nielsen numbers indicate that 78% of Chicago households that have the RedZone package switched over to the Packers-Chiefs game in the fourth quarter and the other 22% are liars. The second gulp of Kool-Aid is just for the hatred of all things Packer. This game is gonna suck balls, but I'll try to hype it a little anyway.

Josh McCown vs. Matt Flynn I: This time it's professional!

I know I'm breaking the fourth wall a little bit here, but actually I had to look up the first names of both of these guys before submitting my column.

Also, based on his NFL.com bio picture (THAT'S your tough-guy football face?) I think Josh McCown was president of the AV Club at Prospect High in 1997.

Oh right, I was trying to pump this thing up.

Bears Lose Big! (cue Michael Bay explosion noises . . . )

Packers 28, Bears 10.

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*IMDB "fact" of the day: In the film equivalent of the George Bell for Sammy Sosa trade, Paramount swapped the rights to Executive Decision in exchange for the rights to the then-stalled Warner Brothers project Forrest Gump.

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Send Carl your comments and complaints.


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Posted on Apr 24, 2017

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