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The Blue & Orange Kool-Aid Report: 1-800-REALITY

There's No "I" In Clock Management
But there is one in "Marion."

Pretty Good
After another devastating loss, Bears LB Brian Urlacher was quoted as saying that Tim Tebow is "a good running back."

In a way, that's true. Here are some other things that are true.

* Hanukkah gifts are "a thoughtful gesture."

* Your jing-hang is "a nice size."

* Russia is "a democracy."

* This guy is "the son of a raccoon and Willem Dafoe."

Over And Out
It only took 12 quarters, but thanks to a 10-point outburst against the Broncos, the Bears have scored 30 points with Caleb Hanie at the helm.

To be fair, it's been a busy three weeks and what with the holidays and all, there was no way we could expect Hanie to learn and execute the relentless juggernaut formerly known as the 2011 Chicago offense.

Sadly, it's time to start evaluating the roster for next year. And if you think any differently, you ought to take a cue from the Sandusky defense team and dial "1-800-REALITY."

Here are a few suggestions to spice up what looks to be a dull 2012 season.

* Make Peanut Tillman a two-way player and start him at wide receiver. Even if he accidentally tips the ball to an opponent, he will likely just ball-punch the rock back to himself.

* Franchise Corey Graham just to fuck with Matt Forte's head.

* After calling 1-800-REALITY, I'm strangely open to the idea of an all-male cheerleading squad next year. Gives a new meaning to the term "human pyramid."

Seattle's Best
If there's any team that can put an exclamation point on the word "underwhelming!" it's the 2011 Seattle Seahawks. The only minor point of interest coming out of the Great Northwest is the emerging Skittle-related sensation that is the Marshawn Lynch touchdown celebration.

I'm not suggesting that Chicago fans stock up on frosted marbles and surprise "The Beast" with a hail of glass when he muscles his way into the end zone on Sunday but . . . no, I take that back. I fully endorse throwing colorful projectiles at opponents from here on out. This season is making me bitter.

1 Out Of Five Pitchers Unsweetened Espresso Flavored Kool-Aid

This game gets no hype, deserves no hype and will probably yield some of the least-inspired play you've seen out of the Bears this season.

Worse, I think the Bears take the game and provide fans with the football equivalent of waking up in the darkened coat room with a girl breathing heavily on the front of your jeans . . . just before she throws up half a bottle of Bacardi Limon on your stomach while weeping openly. And things were going so well!

Bears win, but the party's over.

Bears 20, Seattle 9


Send your comments and complaints to Carl.

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