Sports

The Blue & Orange Kool-Aid Report

By Eric Emery

Last week, a group including conservative columnist Rush Limbaugh, announced their intention to by the St. Louis Rams. The Chicago Bears management was surprised by the announcement; mostly because they had no idea conservatism was so profitable. After this epiphany, the Bears turned to more conservative practices, such as:

Beachwood Sports: Ofman: Dis and Dat TrackNotes: Illinois Online The College Football Report

Change: Pay structure change to "Cutlernomics."

Result: Bears pay Jay Cutler $90 million a year, and Cutler pays the rest of the team as he sees fit.

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Change: A new Bears social program called "Urlacher Works."

Result: Those deadbeat kids work around the house. No more free handouts.

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Change: "Adamstinence" programs.

Result: DT Anthony Adams teaches Brian Urlacher about abstinence, instead of handing him a condom.

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Change: Capital "Gaines" Tax.

Result: Instead of paying income tax, all Bears players pay a 15 percent tax to TE Michael Gaines.

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Change: Soften environmental controls.

Result: Ten percent of the Gatorade made using yesterday's whirlpool water.

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Change: Support of Second Amendment rights.

Result: Bears re-acquire Tank Johnson.

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Change: The Smith Doctrine.

Result: Just in case he is threatened during the game, head coach Lovie Smith is allowed to kick the opposing coach in the nuts anytime before the game.

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Change: The Patriot Act.

Result: Bears scouts allowed to intercept the opposing team's sideline-to-QB communications.

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Change: Enemy Combatants.

Result: All opposing players called for holding will be held on sideline for an indefinite amount of time, without access to representation.

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Change: School Vouchers.

Result: Players receiving vouchers can skip meetings involving the underperforming defensive line and go to the well-performing QB meetings instead.

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Change: Dissolve team doctors because it's "socialized medicine."

Result: Matt Forte pays for best trainers and doctors. Long snapper Patrick Mannelly goes to a "massage parlor" for treatment.

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Bears at Falcons

Storyline: With both teams at 3-1 and in second place in their divisions, it's a "must win" for both teams.

Reality: Bears fans will say "Hey, the Steelers are 3-2, so we beat a team over .500." I say "Hey, the Steelers are not that good."

Prediction: Falcons Minus 3 Points, Under 45.5 Points Scored

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Record: 3-3

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Sugar in the Blue and Orange Kool-Aid: 85%
Recommended sugar in the Blue and Orange Kool-Aid: 75%

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For more Emery, please see the Blue & Orange Kool-Aid Report archives and the Over/Under collection. He welcomes your comments.

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