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The Blue & Orange Kool-Aid Report: Hallowed Be Thy Game

Royals Rout Sox 10-3
Tyler Palko went 1-for-9 with seven RBIs on a check swing and the Caleb Hanie struck out with men in scoring position five times.

Arrrgh, My Coin!
Busted MCLs cost so much these days they ought to be sent to federal prison for 14 years shaking down Tulane running backs and children's hospitals.

The good news for Matt Forte is that his career will go on, albeit with a substantially lower income. The bad news for his team is that the season was declared dead at 3:37 p.m. CST last Sunday.

Hallowed Be Thy Game
The night after a loss to the Chargers, Tim Tebow dreamed that he was walking along the beach with Jesus. Scenes of the season wobbled slowly across the sky like an aurora, or a mosaic of poorly thrown footballs.

In each scene Tebow noticed footprints in the sand. It bothered Tebow that he only saw one set of footprints on the beach during the times that he found himself buried on the depth chart behind a man who spent as much of his time looking in the mirror as he did practicing his trade and another who seemed to be as good at devouring whiskey, not shaving his neck, and plowing his way through thousands of skanks as leading an offense.

"Jesus," Tebow said to the Lord, "You promised me that if I followed you, you would walk with me always. Why, when I needed you most, have you not been there for me?"

Jesus replied, "The times when you have seen only one set of footprints is when the media carried you."

"The media?" Tebow asked, confused.

"Yeah, the media," said Jesus before pausing to take a drag off a Newport. "See, I would have started Quinn. He played in more of a pro-style offense at Notre Dame. So you want to go hit up a titty bar or something?"

Kool Aid (4 Out Of 5 Chalices Of Carpenter's Blood)
Well, here's your season. Chicago Bears vs. Jesus.

Enjoy!

Unfortunately, this has blowout loss written all over it. Damn the Vikings for making the bootleg look viable for seven of Tebow's 15 pass attempts!

Hey Mike Martz, here's a hint you'd normally have to track down on the back of your Red Lobster kid's menu to help you figure out the prawn shaped maze:

Do not call pass plays with Marion Barber as the hot read.

Denver 30, Bears 13

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Comments welcome.

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Posted on Jun 24, 2017

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