Subscribe to the Newsletter

The Blue & Orange Kool-Aid Report: Hype-Apathy Sets In

Chad-Stache McHanie
Sure it makes him look like your buddy Kevin's dad, but Sunday's dud against Oakland made it imminently clear that Caleb Hanie needs to bring back the "rowdy" lip warmer.

Why, you ask?

* You don't make a liar out of a shirt that says "Mustache Rides: One Dollar."

* He can finally reunite his 80's tribute band: Hanie & Oates.

* Hanie is a chronic dendrophobic and Illinois law permits mustached citizens to carry concealed axes at all times. Before the week is out, the Bears number two signal-caller is going to make Cook County officials change the name of "Lake Forest" to "Lake."

3 X 6 = 7 - 4
Early in the week, the Bears defense committed to "carry" the team to take some of the pressure off of the offense. Giving up six field goals is sort of like "carrying" a guy out of a burning building by throwing him out a third-story window.

Did you die of smoke inhalation? Then shut yer word hole.

You're welcome, assface.

Didn't Catch Your Name There, Chief
This week's Kool-Aid Report drinking challenge:

Ask the first football fan you encounter at work to name two Chiefs that aren't former Bears. Then, take a shot for every wrong answer and take three shots if they call Dwayne Bowe "David Bowie."

If they do, don't judge your co-worker too harshly; it's an easy mix up.

As an aside, Dexter McCluster was my porn name in college.

Stache Clash
A match-up of classic Chicago facial hair goes head-to-head on Sunday as Caleb Hanie takes on the Kyle Orton-led Kansas City Neckbeards.

It's like two of the ancillary Godzilla monsters got a spinoff movie (Biollante vs. Hedorah!) because the guy who runs the wardrobe department got deported.

Kool-Aid (1 Out Of 5 Tubs Of BBQ Sauce)
I didn't know there was a way for hype-apathy* to set in during a playoff run, but here we are.

The Chiefs are a good defensive team that has absolutely no offense. This is a game the Bears will win by running the ball 45 times and punting the ball 15, setting up the greatest statistical anomaly of all time:

Kahlil Bell leading the Bears in rushing yards and tackles.

Bears 16, Chiefs 6

* Consult your physician to see if Limpatol is right for you.

-

Comments welcome.

More from Beachwood Sports »
The White Sox Report

The Plot Against America - And Me

If this is what terrorism looks like, then I'm affected.

Continue reading "The Plot Against America - And Me" »

Posted on Aug 21, 2017

The Beachwood Radio Sports Hour #166: Bears Psychosis Grips City

Apparently all is forgiven. Plus: This Just Does Not Seem Like The Cubs' Year; Kenny, Ozzie, Jerry & Ricky; Chicago's Best Sports Columnist Somehow Under The Radar After Long, Distinguished Career; and Schweinsteiger!

Continue reading "The Beachwood Radio Sports Hour #166: Bears Psychosis Grips City" »

Posted on Aug 19, 2017

Why Colin Kaepernick Matters

At age 29, his blacklisting may well amount to a life sentence, for no crime other than having a social conscience.

Continue reading "Why Colin Kaepernick Matters" »

Posted on Aug 16, 2017

Breaking Beachwood Sports Feed!