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Apparently Vanderbilt University can produce some decent athletes through its football program and not just the Intramural Sports squad, as we had all assumed. Thanks to a healthy chest and a corresponding dip in the price of industrial pork emulsion futures, Earl Bennett and the McRib are back!
As a fan of both third down conversions and as a guy who brushes his teeth with KC Masterpiece, I couldn't be happier.
Julius Peppers Doesn't Need His Own Knee Ligaments . . .
. . . because he uses the connective tissue of his opponents as a gluten free substitute for pasta*.
Julius Peppers Never Takes A Shower . . .
. . . because odor causing bacteria knows that his saliva is a disinfectant.
Julius Peppers On One Bad Leg Is Faster Than Michael Vick . . .
. . . because his balls alone are muscular enough to propel him forward at high speeds.
Out Like A Lamb
Lions lineman Ndamukong Suh recently met with league commissioner Roger Goodell to get a better feel for what it is about his unique style of play that refs find inappropriate within the context of an NFL football game.
Goodell told him to stop doing this, which cleared the whole misunderstanding right up.
Expect the Detroit line to be greatly subdued this week thanks to their renewed understanding of safe workplace practices and good sportsmanship.
More Than Meets The Eye
Calvin "Megatron" Johnson and the rest of the Decepticons visit Soldier Field on Sunday in search of delicious Energon Cubes; the source of power that the Decepticons both covet and are seemingly able to crap out of their chest. Much like Michael Bay, Lions coach Jim Schwartz can't seem to do anything but wave his arms around and make things explode, but who needs direction when you've got giant robots and good looking young people to march around in front of an audience of millions.
Kool-Aid (4 Out Of 5 Jim Mora Soundbites)
Long story short, this is a game with playoff implications. Who friggin' knew?
The Lions are loaded with talent, but it always seems like they're down 10 points in the first half. If the Bears can get a lead and keep the Detroit skill players five to 20 yards in front of them (the secondary got that backwards in Week 5), the Lions offense can be limited.
If the Bears don't win, I'll kick a puppy and punch a kitten. Just for you.
Bears 33, Lions 17
*Because of the high price of eggs, the sinew and bone of Peppers' opponents are ground into the binding element of the McRib.
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Posted on May 22, 2019