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The Blue & Orange Kool-Aid Report: Slim Shady vs. Jiffy Helmet

Clear Eyes, Bye Week . . . Can't Lose
Leading the Bucs 21-5 at the start fourth quarter, Mike Martz capitalized on his free time by planning his bye-week activities. While it nearly cost the Bears the game, it wasn't a total waste. Here are some of his ideas for Week 8.

* Schedule an appointment at Jiffy Helmet to get that pesky issue with the sideline radio worked out.

* My quarterback keeps telling me to eat a dick, why not expand some horizons? Get that big guy Rollo on the phone and make it a true bi-week!

* We're playing the Eagles, Lions, Chargers, Raiders and Chiefs over the next five games? Note to self: Call Rich Eisen, you know, just to stay on his radar in case the NFL Network could use an extra analyst in the offseason.

* Post my sweet Tebowing picture from the pool bathroom on LinkedIn.

Rushin' Attack
Thanks to his excellent play and, to some extent, the Titans' Chris Johnson's recent extension and subsequent suck-ass play, Matt Forte will likely be dishonored with the Bears 2012 franchise tag.

Let this be a lesson to you all. Showing up every day and working hard can cost you dearly . . . in the sense that you may receive between $7 million and $8 million in guaranteed money for one year of work.

Rock, Flag and Eagle
The Bears take on the Eagles in Philly this Monday in a match-up of quarterbacks who got publicly thrown under the bus by their friends. Sure, Jay Cutler's shaming during the NFC Championship Game didn't lead to a prison sentence, but isn't the e-scorn of Maurice Jones-Drew just as bad as shower rape?

In any case, all national broadcasters seem to be contractually obligated to slobber all over the "comebacks" of each team's signal callers, so this ought to be a game that features many redemption narratives in between the mysterious holding calls that give ESPN additional time to cram lucrative Dodge ads and plugs for the Disney-financed Tower Heist onto the air.

Kool-Aid (2 Out Of 5 Bottles Of Yuengling)
Sure, Philadelphia has a guy with the word "awesome" right in his name (Nnamdi Asomugha), a dude who actually ate a dog for breakfast this morning (Andy Reid) and I think Eminem is their starting running back, but the Eagles weren't counting on the fact that you need linebackers and an offensive line to win football games.

I mean, they actually forgot. The Philly active roster only had 45 guys on it after the fourth week of the preseason. The only reason that they were able to sign a full front seven was because Andy Reid won a hot dog eating contest and the fact that an Eagles exec found a guy on the "Casual Encounters" section of Craigslist who turned out to be six-foot-five.

Oddly, this game has playoff implications for both teams . . . in the sense that ESPN's Monday Night Football promos keep insisting that this game has playoff implications.

LeSean McCoy and Michael Vick will become the first quarterback/running back combo to rush for 400 yards in a game, but for some reason the Eagles will only score 12 points.

Bears 20, Eagles 12.


Comments welcome.

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Posted on Mar 15, 2019

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