Subscribe to the Newsletter

The Blue & Orange Kool-Aid Report: Gruel 'n' Chips Edition

How's The Meriweather Up There?
No seriously, how is he up there on the safety depth chart and Chris Harris is prowling the sideline in his Bears onesie pajamas? Are 15-yard personal fouls a new wrinkle in the cover two shell? The move is an active roster allegory to a Lovie-thrown challenge flag, though since it didn't cost the Bears any timeouts, you could make the argument that it was less detrimental.

Christian Ponder Looks 38-Years-Old
When did St. Paul District 19 PTA President Becky Ponder's husband get signed as the backup Minnesota QB?

During the game on Sunday night, I was convinced the rookie was older than Donovan McNabb.

To be fair to Ponder, McNabb could be anywhere from 22- to 47-years-old. Just For Men has made it nearly impossible to discern the age of black men. Frankly, I'm jealous.

If There's A Bustle In Your Heathrow
The Bears play the Tampa Bay Buccaneers in London on Sunday at 5 p.m. local time, so unfortunately the team will miss out on the Gruel 'n' Chips Buffet Special at Jude's Porridge Emporium.

At about $150 a ticket, good seats are still available. So if you're an air marshal, a zeppelin pilot or a double-breasted cormorant, stop on by for the footie!

Double Impact
. . . errrr, Double Team . . . or was it Double Dragon? Anyway.

Tiki and Ronde are twins separated at the death of their parents. Ronde is raised by a family retainer in Paris; Tiki becomes a petty crook in Hong Kong. Seeing a picture of Ronde, Tiki rejoins him and convinces him that his rival in Hong Kong is also the man who killed their parents.

One packs a punch, the other packs a piece!

See how much cooler Ronde Barber's life would have been if he had just followed the IMDB plot summary of a Van Damme movie*?

Kool-Aid (1 Out Of 5 Liters Of Spiced Rum)
Two overrated defenses clash over the right to hold their opponent under 500 yards of total offense.

The game itself is getting far less hype than Jay Cutler's latest viral video sensation locally and even though Tampa Bay is technically almost an East Coast team, nobody but Jean Claude Van Barber actually cares if they make the playoffs or not.

Matt Forte inexplicably gets 12 touches and the Bears lose.

Bucs 26, Bears 14.

-

*I could have sworn that Van Damme was in Double Dragon: The Movie, but it turns out that it was Robert Patrick, Alyssa Milano, they guy who played the T-1000, Scott Wolf and Andy Dick.

-

Comments welcome.

More from Beachwood Sports »
The White Sox Report

The Ghost Of Dayan Viciedo

Quit the hyperbole and just let the kids take their time.

Continue reading "The Ghost Of Dayan Viciedo" »

Posted on May 22, 2017

Breaking Beachwood Sports Feed!