Subscribe to the Newsletter

The Blue & Orange Kool-Aid Report: Take The Lovie Smith Challenge. Every Time.

"I" Before EEEEK!
Recently, my daughter showed me the list of 40 prepositions she has to memorize for English class. After I told her to be quiet and slide the latest issue of Ass-Mack Weekly under the bathroom door, my first thought was: "What's a preposition?"

My second thought was: I bet Frank Omiyale feels the same way when he is told to play football.

Really? You're asking me to help you with this?

Oh crap, there goes Kyle Vanden Bosch.

Pistols At Dawn
If Lovie Smith ever slaps you with a glove and calls for a ten-pace showdown, accept his challenge regardless of circumstance.

He wins about one challenge out of five.

Avast 'Ye, Olaf Gustafson
What does a Viking yell exactly?

Arrgh, I'm here to rape your mutton leg while wearing a horny hat?

I'll ask Leif Garrett.

In any case, a lack of pressure up front puts ADP in a position to direct deposit* a pillaging as bad as we've seen since his 224-yard performance in '07. Henry Melton has been about as visible as Bill Melton lately, Peppers is hurt and did Idonije move back to Saskatchewan or something?

No penetration, no V and like my grandfather used to say: There's no "V" in lose.

Here's an awesome side note. Mark Anderson has 3.5 sacks through 5 games.

F-ing terrific.

We end up with a safety from the Patriots who, in real life, plays like he's a Madden character who runs off the screen because someone accidentally switched to him by pushing X too many times and Belichick manages to coach up the guy who between '07 and '10 looked like he couldn't sack the inflatable autopilot from Airplane.

Kool Aid (2 Out Of 5 Goblets Of Nordic Ale)
I was kind of hoping that Minnesota would be 0-5 and the Bears would have the opportunity to shoot the final flaming arrow into their metaphorical wooden canoe, but it's not to be.

In fact, the drowning Vikes are looking to take us down to the bottom of Lake Minnetonka with them.

Like a male health checkup, the Bears will win by doing what they have to do. But it will feel as satisfying as an endoscopy.

Bears 16, Vikings 10.

-

*Football + banking puns = funny . . . ?

-

Comments welcome.

More from Beachwood Sports »
The White Sox Report

The Season In Verse | It Could Have Been Worse

The first year of The Rebuild/Is now in the past/But it wasn't so awful/The Sox didn't finish last.

Continue reading "The Season In Verse | It Could Have Been Worse" »

Posted on Oct 2, 2017

Breaking Beachwood Sports Feed!