Beachwood Sports ArchiveA monthly look back
Beachwood Sports VideoPlease Stop Believing 99 Years of Cub Losses The 1908 Song Blame It On Bartman We Can't Wait 100 Years Dusty Must Get Fired
Search The Beachwood Reporter
Subscribe to the Newsletter
It's Gonna Move Ya
While it had all of the creativity of an '80s Juicy Fruit jingle*, last Sunday's roughly 89-1 run/pass ratio against the Carolina Panthers got the job done and effectively moved the chains.
But don't get your skis shined up too soon, Forte.
That's probably the last time we'll see you get a chance to shine like that this season.
60% Of The Time, It Works Every . . . (thud)
Lion In Wait
Good news everyone!
Besides the propensity for pick sixes and a front four that applies consistent pressure to the quarterback, the Detroit defense matches up poorly with the Bear offense.
Similarly, aside from the whole body and face things going on, Gisele Bundchen is a real dog.
Detroit C**k City
I couldn't resist.
Along those lines, does anyone else find it weird that the last line of that song refers to a fatal truck accident?
Six Reasons Why Jay Cutler Should Marry Kristin Cavallari
* Cavalari is better looking than Clay Matthews, who is the person currently grinding him into the ground.
* It sets up a Scooby Doo/Batman & Robin-esque Hills/Hard Knocks crossover episode.
* After his appearance last week, Cutler is entitled to a small cut of the Dancing With The Stars syndication payout from the reruns that air on the TV Guide channel. It's about time that kid made a nickel.
* Jasten Cutcav sounds like Indian royalty. They'll make a mint shilling the Happy Price Menu!
* Jay is so severely concussed we should be thankful he isn't pursuing a long-term relationship with a yellow mop that kind of looks like a blonde wig on a stick.
* Do you know what most practice wives look like**? Go for it dude!
Kool-Aid (4 Out Of 5 Pitchers)
This game is actually under hyped, but don't worry. Since it's on Monday night, we'll get an extra helping of bombast from Tirico, Jaworski and this guy Gruden.
We'll hear plenty of talk about how there is no one in the history of football who long snaps better than Patrick Mannelly. Or how Matthew Stafford's nearly 11 pro games of healthiness projects out to 400 career touchdown passes.
Personally, I'm hoping that Barry Sanders shows up on the sidelines and attempts to dry hump Michelle Tafoya in an effort to one-up Joe Namath.
Bears 30, Lions 27
*There isn't a way not to interpret the lyrics of this "song" as a euphemism for road head.
**If you don't know what a practice wife is, you are a practice wife.
More from Beachwood Sports »
Given all the factors, if the Sox don't land Machado, they simply just don't have the glamour and pizzazz to attract a player of his caliber.Continue reading "Get Manny!" »
Posted on Jan 14, 2019
Like his kicker, the Bears GM has been the most hit-and-miss at his job that we've ever seen in these parts.Continue reading "SportsMonday: Parkey & Pace" »
Posted on Jan 14, 2019