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The Blue & Orange Kool-Aid Report

Blue: Choosing the Blue (positive) side of this report seemed at first to be a great idea. I could talk up my Chicago Bears week after week. And after last year, they just had to have far less embarrassing games than the 2009 campaign.


Four interceptions by Jay Cutler this week against the Washington Redskins, zero offense the week prior versus the Seattle Seahawks, and only marginal improvement from the Bears' offensive line . . .

However, I've learned by lesson from having two wives, and that's to be open about saying things like "I'm sorry, I was wrong." (Or as my brother would say "I hate myself already.")

So, I'm sorry I offered to always hype the Bears by drinking the Blue Kool-Aid, and I really hate myself. But, if I'm to write, I'm to write of the positive. Let's see if I can do this without making anything up.

As hard as this is to say, the defense actually played well against Washington. But, when your offense is as impotent as the 2010 Bears have been the last four weeks, anything better than not terrible is considered a positive.

DJ Moore scored on a wacky tipped ball and might have scored two had it not been for the delay of game called on Donovan McNabb.

Speaking of McNabb, the secondary, with a resurgent and previously egg-layer of a DB in Peanut Tillman, held Donovan to a very pedestrian 200 yards with two interceptions. Ryan Torain ran hard and ran well, with 125 yards, but didn't score. The front four not only held Torain from scoring, but were able to get to McNabb a couple times for sacks, and pressured on more.

Staying on the positive note for a moment, how about that run game? Matt Forte ran wild with an average of 4.1 yards per carry , and Chester Taylor chipped in 6.7 yards a clip. With that kind of ground attack, you would figure that the Bears would revert to the traditional "we get off the bus running" approach, right? Wrong.

When you have Mike Martz dialing up the plays, you have no need for a run attack. Seriously, why run more than 13 times? Better to throw four interceptions, all to DeAngelo Hall, totally abandon the run game even when the game is close, and sink to 4-3 and lose sole possession of first place in the NFC North.

Though the ball was pushed to Greg Olsen more this week than in weeks past, Martz has to (I'm sure he's reading and listening here) find more ways to get the ball to him even more, as well as to Forte and Chester "Money Well Spent?" Taylor.

As Blue as I like my Kool Aid, and as much as I have delusions of why this Bears team should be 6 -1 (a little more pass protection vs. the Giants; Lance Briggs in against the Seahawks; running the ball at the Redskins), this team needs to find a way to put it all together for a full four quarters.

Yes, at times the O-line has been an Ole line, allowing Jay Cutler to look more helpless than one of Mike Vick's puppies. But, in the second half of last Sunday's contest against the 'Skins, the gruesome fivesome of our offensive line was able to slow up the pass rush. The defense looked marshmallow soft against the Seahawks, but were rock solid against the Giants for three quarters, held the Cowboys' many weapons to only 13 points on offense, and did enough to keep the Packers at bay. The special teams have been strong with the return of the Ridiculousness of Devin Hester and the continued danger that Daniel Manning presents every time he takes a return back at the opposition. That's three phases, and as much as I'd love to talk about the fourth phase of the home crowd, my brother, who has two sets of four season tickets, won't even sell them to me for over face value. I hate him already.

Thank God for the Bye Week. I don't have to look like an ass with my ridiculous prediction of another Bears victory that somehow slips into a group exercise of head-shaking. Some time off to forget that this year's edition of the Monsters of the Midway has possibly already thrown away the season by pissing away wins at the hands of the very beatable Seahawks and Redskins. Two weeks to prep for the juggernaut that is the Buffalo Bills in football crazy Toronto! Shit, here comes the prediction:

Bears 24-21.

The D shows up, Cutler proves that the new reality girlfriend isn't a poor man's Jessica Simpson, and the combo of Hester and Manning at least put the Bears in Robbie Gould field goal range. The Bills really suck, and there's no reason for our Bears to blow another.


Orange: This profession is filled to the brim with unrealistic [football teams]. [Football teams] who thought their [2010 season] would age like wine. If you mean it turns to vinegar, it does. If you mean it gets better with age, it don't. - Marsellus Wallace

Like a personal timepiece made of stone, last Sunday's afternoon affair against the Washington Redskins was a hard watch. It was a tale of two halves, each their own special snowflake of frustrating, poorly executed, soul crushing football. To paraphrase the great philosopher Plato, the first half was abject poop.

The Chicago Bears offense staggered backwards for negative five (-5) yards of offense in the first quarter and with the exception of their final drive of the half, would rack up a grand total of 25 yards.

But hark! Mike Martz just loves dialing up plays (copyright Jon Gruden) and the elusive offensive adjustments that had proven impossible to implement throughout the last several games would rematerialize for the first time since week 2.

However, like that convincing tranny at your cousin's bachelor party, these adjustments would lead to red zone catastrophe, a trip to Lens Crafters and a bad taste in your mouth that isn't washed away with Scope (all similes courtesy of The Naked Gun).

While the yardage totals would seem to indicate a level of success, the drive chart for the final two quarters unmasks this rooster tease.

3 03:18 CHI 23 6 76 Fumble
3 00:00 CHI 47 1 0 Intercepted Pass
3 06:32 CHI 22 10 65 Intercepted Pass
3 03:42 CHI 16 8 59 Fumble
4 00:05 CHI 7 1 0 Intercepted Pass
4 01:45 CHI 27 3 0 Punt
4 01:15 CHI 19 4 28 Intercepted Pass

Try fast forwarding the fourth quarter on the DVR. You can hear Yakety Sax if you turn your TV all the way up.

Somewhere between identifying the sturdiest rafter in the basement and Googling "hangman's knot," disgusted Bears fans missed a fourth interception by Washington cornerback DeAngelo Hall.

Conversely, the Bears defense was effective and ball-punchy, featuring six forced fumbles (one recovered) and highlight reel interceptions by DJ Moore and Danieal Manning. Ultimately though, the more effective unit would add insult to eye rape as they were unable to hold the line and allowed Washington to run out the clock by permitting two first downs on the final series of the game.

Other than a game in Toronto against the Buffalo Bills and a stop in Detroit on December 5th, the schedule consists entirely of playoff contenders from here on out, so adjust your viewing schedule accordingly.

Did you notice a sign out in front of my [TV] that said Dead [2010 Season] Storage? - Jimmie Dimmick

Week 8 Prediction
This is the Bears bye week, thus making the chance of a loss statistically improbable.

Andrew Golden brings you the Blue half of this report every week; Carl Mohrbacher brings you the Orange. They welcome your comments.

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