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The Blue & Orange Kool-Aid Report

Blue: As the writer of the Blue side of the Kool Aid report, I am obligated to pull the positives from each and every Chicago Bears game. Let's be honest, the Bears got their collective asses beat on offense and defense (go special teams!) in Sunday's 23-20 thrashing at the hands of the ever dangerous Seattle Seahawks. Therefore finding positives from that morass might seem a task akin to throwing a football accurately while facing impending pain from onrushing 300-pound defensive lineman. But if Jay Cutler has to face this for the next 10 games, who am I to disappoint this column's eight fans? Granted, my 87 year-old grandfather is one of those fans, so it's not that tough a crowd (for the record I'm KICKING HIS ASS in fantasy football). But here's a few positives I came up with:

* Devin Hester's return to ridiculousness. When Deion Sanders did his recap of the top 10 plays of the day he got so excited when calling the Hester 89-yard punt return that he was somewhere between multiple orgasms and having a massive stroke. This can be channeled: though Primetime needs a rascal to get around his ginormous house (Yes, I watched his show for 20 minutes once. Watching anymore might have made my ears and eyes bleed like something out of a George A. Romero film), he looks to be in great shape and has to be available for a lower price tag than Brandon Manumaleuna. I'm guessing that even on a rascal he can provide tighter coverage than Charles Tillman did when facing Mike Williams (10 receptions? Really? The guy had 15 receptions from 2006 to 2009!). And if he doesn't produce, at least we can say he cost less than did Manumaleuna, who has also done absolutely nothing for this team to date.

* No lab animals were killed in the continued experiment of just how much physical punishment a professional quarterback can take and still find his way back to the huddle in one piece. Not a single cat was swung around by his tail and whipped into a wall. No cute little ratatouille had his head smashed in by a hammer. Thanks to Jay Cutler, the beating he took by virtue of a totally disengaged offensive line successfully simulated an adorable golden retriever puppy being trampled by a herd of buffalo. Though there is the possibility of losing our franchise QB to injury and having to turn to the untested hands of Caleb Hanie, the lives of a puppy, kitty, and a rat were saved. Thanks Jay! PETA will be sending along a party tray of tofu and soy.

* In Monday's press conference, Bears head coach Lovie Smith announced he did not foresee any changes in the offensive line for next weeks game against the Washington Redskins. Not only will the lives of defenseless animals be saved (see above), but there will be less upsetting negative surprises for Bears fans. If 59-year-old Lawyer Milloy can cause havoc like he did last Sunday, we all know exactly what Brian Orakpo will do. Probably be stopped cold!

As bad as the game looked with Marshawn Lynch running through the defense like Earl Campbell, Matt Hasselbeck having enough time in the pocket to knit a nice grey, blue and lime green booty for his pet Seahawk, and their defense slicing through our offensive line like a hot knife through water, the end score was still only 23-20. Give us a healthy Lance Briggs on the field, a offense that doesn't include multiple wide receivers running the same route on plays (that had to be a mistake, but it happened numerous times), a little more O-line, a whole lot more D-line pressure, and maybe that game ends a little differently. So, next week just has to be better, right?

Next: Redskins at Bears
The 'Skins come in with a defense rated dead last in yards allowed; this has to give the Bears offense enough breathing room to allow for some self-resuscitation, which should lead to at least one third-down conversion. As of today, Washington TE Chris Cooley is out for next Sunday, leaving Santana Moss, Donovan McNabb and Ryan Torian as only real weapons that need be accounted for. Charles Tillman bounces back from "meaning to lay an egg" as he stated in a post-game interview after the Seahawks game; Moss covered. Julius Peppers, a non-factor against Seattle, decides to earn some more of that big contract; McNabb covered. Lance Briggs returns and the run defense pushes the bus to Soldier Field; down goes Torian. Add in the resurgent Devin Hester scoring one, maybe 2 return TDs and this should be a piece of cake, right?

Prediction: Bears 17, Redskins 10

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Orange: Like most sports franchises, the Bears have had many marketing tag lines over the years.

"One city, one team," many in-stadium references to the "4th Phase," the ever popular, "Da Bears" and "Only you can prevent forest fires," top the contemporary list.

Since we're starting to see what we have this season, now is a good time to nominate new tag lines for the remainder of 2010:

* We were 4 and 1 at one point, right?

* Smith, Tice, Marinelli, Martz! Coaching Voltron, UNITE!

(Q: Did you know that the guy who narrated Voltron also played Optimus Prime and Eeyore?*)

* Welcome Back Hester/That was ver-ry impressive Mister Hester-r!

(We like to keep the humor topical here at the Blue & Orange Report)

* Ole!

Perhaps that last one's an overly charitable assessment. Bullfighters usually wave a cape in front of their charging foe.

On multiple occasions, replays revealed left tackle Frank Omiyale hurriedly excusing himself from the left side of the line as though his ex had unexpectedly stopped by a party, prompting him to speed walk to the other end of the field in hopes of sparing himself an awkward interaction by offering to help Olin Kruetz carry in some beer. For the record, Kreutz totally had that brew situation covered.

On the day, the Bears' offensive line yielded six sacks and nine quarterback hits to a defensive unit that came into Sunday's action ranked near the bottom of the league in pass defense. As is becoming his custom, Jay Cutler played as well as one can while being attacked by professional athletes, throwing for 290 yards without committing a turnover.

Let's face facts. It was pretty obvious what we were getting ourselves into when we signed up for another season of fandom with these guys.

So when the Monsters of the Midway ask you to meet them for lunch at a crowded restaurant in Week 17 after days of not responding to your calls and texts, don't act surprised when they break it off and go back to their wives.

Chicago Bears Football:
You knew what this was.

Next: Redskins at Bears
The Redskins are 3-3 and were able to hang with a couple of high-powered offenses in losses to the Colts in Week 6 and the Texans in Week 2. Sure, they laid a stinker at the feet of their fans against the Rams, but something about this Ryan Torrain character reeks of 141 rushing yards and two scores. In a game that features two historically proud defensive franchises, look for a high scoring affair. Though a non-factor in the game, Rex Grossman will be assert his presence by throwing angry sideways glances at heckling Chicago fans off of his back foot.

Prediction: Redskins 31, Bears 24

* Answer: If so, YOU ARE A HUGE NERD!

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Andrew Golden brings you the Blue half of this report every week; Carl Mohrbacher brings you the Orange. They welcome your comments.


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