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As in, "Awwwww! That's cute! You guys think you're a professional football team!"
For the second week in a row, the Bears seemed to have something cooking in the first half only to come out of the locker room for the second half and show us that whatever was on the stove causes diarrhea.
Following the break, Fox n' Co. charged onto the field and unloaded a brand of football that can only be described as a steaming, slushy, corn-flecked pile of nonsense at the feet of the Chicago faithful.
But oh yeah. There was a punt return.
"We need to get better, there's no doubt about it," head coach John Fox shrewdly observed. "Turning the ball over tonight was very . . . "
Coach, stop right there and allow me to tell you what tonight was . . .
[Editor's Note: Sorry folks, we can't print any of the next three paragraphs. I don't need to spend the next two days fielding calls from PETA, the DNC or The National Gourd Association.]
[Editor's Note: OK, full disclosure. The National Gourd Association advertises on our site. I am confident that they would not want their fine, nutritious and decorative crop connected with the kind of violent sexual act you just described.]
Dude, you know the guys at the NGA are into pegging [Editor's note: link hastily removed].
Ball gags at minimum.
[Editor's Note: You're upset. Obviously, we're all upset. But I expect you to do your job. Give us some positive takeaways from Monday night's action.]
Well, Jason Heyward had a nice homer in the eighth.
Classic Heyward swing; opposite field power to the gap. I think he's finally coming around.
[Editor's Note: You can instantly find good news about Heyward, one of the most disappointing top-dollar free agent acquisitions in Cubs history . . . ]
His defense is All-World, and you, sir, have forgotten Milton Bradley! You tellin' me that you'd rather have Matt Szczur (pronounced "Caesar" not "Su-zizz-ca-zur") out there in right field?
[Editor's Note: Well, Zobrist is a good option in right. Then you can put Javy Baez at second . . . wait a damn minute. A) You clearly flipped over to the Cubs game in the fourth quarter, and B) You're stalling. Give me some positives about Monday night's Bears game or I'm officially putting monkeys on the payroll and giving them your typewriter.]
Fine, fine, fine.
For the record, I could recreate A Midsummer Night's Dream with random keystrokes before Lulu and Bananas, by at least two days!
- Eddie Royal: Nice of Royal to become the guy we thought we were getting last year just in time for the team to go to shit.
- Individual Defensive Performances: Deiondre' Hall and Jacoby Glenn both had some nice moments in coverage. Jerrell Freeman was all over the field once again, which is good because with the way injuries have piled up he may be asked to play nose tackle and fullback this week.
- The Stadium Clock: I'd like to thank the giant LCD timekeeper for functioning properly and allowing this game to end.
What Made Us Drop To Our Knees And Openly Weep
- Injuries . . . So Many Injuries: Jay Cutler (thumb), Danny Trevathan (also thumb), Lamarr Houston (knee), Eddie Goldman (ankle), Adrian Amos (concussion), Bryce Callahan (concussion), Chris Prosinski (calf), Ka'Deem Carey (hamstring).
That I KNOW of!
Wait, I'm supposed to save that line for situations in which I imply that, despite the fact that I fathered a child as a teenager, I continued a pattern of irresponsible promiscuity throughout my early 20s.
Oh checkered past, you are a comedy gold mine!
Cutler will reportedly be out at least the next two weeks, so for those of you clamoring for an extended look at one Brian Hoyer, please mentally file this sentence under the "What Worked" section of the BAOKAR.
Hoyer probably won't set the world on fire, but he doesn't turn the ball over much (in the regular season; not so much in the playoffs) and we know that we can count on him to be punctual at the airport, a trait which has kept him gainfully employed on several occasions.
At the time of this writing, only the full extent of Houston's injury is confirmed.
Unfortunately for him and fans of expensive linebacker depth, he will miss the remainder of the 2016 season.
- The Offensive Line: After grading out admirably in Week 1, this unit took a big step back . . . and then many more steps back as the pocket collapsed. Even the usually outstanding Kyle Long got pushed around more than the president of a D&D club at an '80s kegger.
- Ball Control: You gotta keep a grip on the ball to win, which is why I walk around the office with at least one hand in my pants at all times. The same could not be said of the offense. Stop giving your balls to other people, guys.
- Weeknight Sobriety: I've been making a point of not drinking on weekdays. After watching Monday's game live in its entirety [Editor's Note: The hell you did!], I'm telling all of my family and friends who showed up for the intervention last month to go fuck themselves. I never realized how hard it is to ingest a primetime ass-whooping like this unaltered.
Eye On The Opposition: Romo A No-Go, Sack The Dak Attack
There might not be a less desirable scouting report than "prone to spine fractures," but that's where All Pro quarterback Tony Romo finds himself these days.
Maybe "susceptible to testicle torsion" is worse.
Oh, and I DARE you to let me prove to you that this is a thing.
Runners up include "has genetic markers for facial gonorrhea" and "suffers from seasonal parmesan lung."
With Romo on the sidelines, the Bears will face a rookie quarterback for a second week in a row - Cowboys backup Dak Prescott.
Prescott has made headlines for being handsome and going two straight games without throwing an interception - accomplishments which have already earned him the nickname "Hot Dilfer**."
While we're on the topic of nicknames, anyone else put off by the slew of monosyllabic monikers at Dallas's skill positions?
With guys like Dak, Dez and Zeke already on offense, the Cowboys are either a "Zazz" short of an Australian One Direction knockoff band or a "Dentz" short of finishing the screenplay for a fan-fic Predator sequel.
In Week 2, the Redskins made a point of limiting the Dallas running game only to have the mobile Prescott escape the pocket and make plays, so given the level of success Carson Wentz had on Monday, there's reason for concern about the match-up considering how much better Dez Bryant is than Philly's number one receiver, Jordan "Butterhands" Matthews***.
Vic Fangio is a creative coach, but with all of the injuries on the defense he'll need to either get creative (read: put poison in the Cowboys pre-game meal) or get some serious help from the offense.
Kool-Aid (3 of 5 Pitchers Of Frozen Margarita)
According several reputable sources (read: exactly one Google search), the frozen margarita was invented in Dallas back in 1971.
Frankly, I would have given this game a rating of "two," but I think we're all interested in seeing how things function on offense with Hoyer at the helm.
And let's not overlook that the season is basically lost if the Bears lose on Sunday, as an 0-3 start is effectively a playoff death sentence.
Save that third pitcher for the end of the game, because if the Bears do lose, you can pound that bad boy and give yourself a brain freeze so bad that you'll temporarily forget that you got excited about this season in the first place.
Based on the fact that Chicago gets two feature time slots in a row, I get the feeling that the NFL powers-that-be were also convinced that this year's team would be much better, so don't beat yourself up too bad for trying to love again.
Time makes fools of us all.
The Bears can't win this game without doing a better job of controlling the clock and that means several sustained scoring drives.
We'll probably see more of Kevin White, but don't expect too many deep balls to either White or Alshon Jeffery.
I said "deep."
Again, the order of the day is ball control.
This defense will need rest if they are to contain a mobile quarterback while shorthanded.
Chicago needs signature performances from Jeremy Langford and Zach Miller or the defense will run out of gas chasing Dak in circles.
Sadly, I don't think that happens and Ezekiel Elliot breaks off some big plays to finish things late.
I hope I'm wrong, but don't worry.
I brought a fourth pitcher for you in case I'm not.
Cowboys 27, Bears 13
About The Author
The Author will be watching Sunday's game . . . sitting cross-legged on the floor . . . in front of the television . . . hoping for the best, but staring, steely-eyed at the images on the screen . . . expecting the worst . . . probably listening to Depeche Mode's Greatest Hits.
So come on down to The Author's house to watch the game on a fun-filled Sunday evening!
His wife makes great chili!
* See, that wasn't so bad . . . wait, fuckin' sleep puts you at risk for the equivalent of a testicle charley horse?! I knew I should have just linked to a picture of my anus.
** The Urban Dictionary defines the "Hot Dilfer" as a sexual move in which a 20-year-old woman gives a married man a handjob while taking a dump on a house cat as the dog films.
*** It's not flattering, but it's still better than former Cowboy Stephen "Ol' Fuckface" McGee.
Carl Mohrbacher is our man on the Kool-Aid. He welcomes your idiotic comments.