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The Blue & Orange Kool-Aid Report: Bear Goonies

Step Five: Acceptance
It has not been a great 14 days for Robbie Gould. During that span, the All-Pro has missed three field goals which, if made, would have propelled the Bears into the playoff contention.

I mean, if you consider being two games out of the last playoff spot with three to play "contention."

"But dude," you say in the voice like that of the Goonies monster, "if Gould makes those field goals, the Bears are 7-6 and are playing the team ahead of them in the standings this week. They would've been right there!"

Sure. If the 5-6 Bears had won out, two of those victories would have been against teams above them in the standings (Vikings, Bucs) while the Eagles and Giants would beat up on each other. In addition, the Falcons probably lose at least once against the Panthers, who they play twice in the season's final weeks.

But simmer down now, dummies. If we start playing the "shoulda been" game, you have to subtract one or two of this season's improbable wins. At minimum, the Packers "shoulda" beat the Bears on that last drive. The football universe has a tendency to even things out over time.

Implying we sound like the monster from the Goonies is a bit much. By the way, who was the actor who played the monster again?

Josh Brolin.

Right. So first off, inferring that we sound idiotic for emotionally banking on one of the most accurate field-goal kickers in NFL history to connect on at least one of those critical attempts is asinine. Our assumption was valid.

Hahaha! You said "ass."

Shut up. Secondly, insulting a hivemind-esque representation of a mob of Bears fans born of your internal monologue raises many, many questions about your own feelings of self-worth.

You guys been working out? Your shirts seem like they're fitting better these days.

Uh, yeah. We've been doing some taekwondo . . . Wait, I think the flattery is worse.

I think it's technically masturbation, but I'll retract it. Go to hell! Feel better?

Thanks. We think? Lastly, what's with the breakdown of the playoff picture and the Zen outlook on life? Those thoughts involved some level of statistical analysis and circumspection. Are you sober or something?

Well, not to get too personal, but since you asked, I wasn't circumspected as a child. I'm 100 percent of the man I was born to be. And no, I haven't abandoned drinking during the week, but I have been trying some martial arts.

(Gasp!) You're taking a taekwondo class too?

Was that sarcasm? It's hard to tell.

Back to our actual point, believing Robbie Gould should do what he's done for the better part of 10 years isn't irrational.

You guys surprise me sometimes . . .

There is no reason for that to be the case.

. . . This is how it goes with mediocre football teams. One week they're beating the Chiefs in KC, the next they're blowing it against the Lions. That's what it means to be 16th-best; a series of baffling highs followed by and even more baffling string lows. Ultimately, you step back to look at the whole picture and it's all fairly disappointing.

Seems like this season is really forcing you to grow as a person.

Oh this? No, that's just a pants boner. I happens when I sit down. I'm not actually erect.

(Slaps collective head.)

Things To Do In Denver When Your Season Is Dead
With Chanukah complete, Kevin White officially ruled out for the season, Christmas shopping done online, Kwanzaa weeks away and Ramadan not due again until June*, Bear fans are in need of ways to occupy their time.

What with the lack of playoffs and all.

Here are a few suggestions.

  • Smokin' Jay memes aren't gonna Photoshop themselves.
  • Spend half an hour figuring out if it's possible for every team in the NFC East to finish with a 6-9-1 record. [Editor's Note: It's not.] Awwww. I've just wasted my lunch break.
  • Research whether the real middle name of All-Star pitcher Johnny Cueto is Brent.
  • Talk to your wife about her day. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Seriously, who wants to grab a drink after work?
  • There are only 108 days left to get caught up on Jason Heyward and Ben Zobrist's defensive sabermetrics. You know what you need to do, so start reading.
  • Get into an argument over the Periodic Table with your kid that abruptly escalates into a shouting match.

    Kid: "No, dad. Krista says that Scandium is a 'rare earth metal,' not a 'lanthanide metal.' You're WRONG."

    Me: "I'm looking at the answer online now. You asked me to help you study, so spare the attitude. You wanna go over the Noble Gases next?"

    Kid: "No, dad. Krista is in Science with me. She knows the right answer. You don't."

    Me: "Well, Krista is a dumb bitch whose whore mom offered me a tug job at last summer's block party. There. Now you know why Mrs. Schilling has to wear an eye patch and why we're no longer welcome at PTA functions. Because Mama delivered some street justice**. When you text Krista back, make sure you tell her she's ugly and bad at science."

    Kid: (Stomps out of room, slams bedroom door.)

    Me (mumbling to self): "Psssh. Screw Krista. Girl don't know shit about elements. Can't buy Market Day pizza anymore . . . "

'Tis But A Scratch!
According to Fox Sports, Vikings safety Antone Exum "proved his toughness" by playing through an injury that he thought might literally kill him during the Vikings loss to the Seahawks in week 13.

He relayed the experience to the St. Paul Pioneer Press's Chris Tomasson:

"I was feeling a pain in my chest with every breath and motion," said Exum (pictured here viciously attacking the injured area of his body). "Thoughts went through my head, 'I could die out there,' just for the simple fact that I didn't know what the problem was. But I knew we didn't have anyone else dressed that was a safety."

Let's take a moment to walk through this rationale.

You're no doctor, but in your mind there's a possibility that you're exhibiting signs of a heart attack at age 24.

Next step: Continue participating in a sport at the professional level.

I'll give Exum the benefit of the doubt for a moment. Minnesota secondary is injury depleted and they're in the hunt for the NFC North title.

Perhaps Exum was willing himself into a position to make a single, tide-turning play that would provide the decisive blow the Vikings needed to solidify their playoff position in a game against another NFC contender.

Maybe we're talking about a Kirk Gibson or Willis Reed scenario.

A late game interception, a tackle for loss at the goal line, a nip-slip that thrilled the hearts of a million fans . . . recorded five tackles in a 38-7 loss, you say?

Fortunately for Exum, his cholesterol levels are fine. The diagnosis was a fractured rib and an injury to the AC joint in his shoulder.

He was placed on Injured Reserve following the game, which makes me sad. I think we've just been deprived of the opportunity to witness a real life version of the Black Knight scene from Monty Python And The Holy Grail.

Down three touchdowns? I've had worse. C'mon, you pansy!

Kool Aid (1 of 5 Cans Of Surly Coffee Bender)
Minneapolis based Surly Brewing Company does some fine work and thanks to the above mentioned two consecutive heartbreakers, you're going to need some caffeine to get through this one awake.

I know some of you are holding out hope that the Bears can get to 8-8. Get to .500 and we'll see where we stand.

While a break-even record would certainly be a much better outcome than most of us predicted for this team, it's more important than ever for the coaching staff to evaluate the talent on the squad to figure out who can help them next year and where the Bears need to focus their attention in the 2016 draft.

Oh, now we get it. You're not Zen, you're depressed.

I'll admit, I got my hopes up there for a minute after the Thanksgiving win over the Pack. Sigh.

In any case, the Vikings were fortunate to beat the Bears at Soldier Field in the last meeting of these two teams and there isn't anyone on Minnesota that gets anyone too excited other than "Daddy" Peterson.

The Bears are a much better road team this year than home team, so at first glance there's room for optimism.

But with the offense continuing to sputter at inopportune times and the run defense performing below average (burned by Blaine Gabbert one week and the two-headed hydra that is Matt Jones/Alfred "The Butler" Morris the next . . . blech), I have to believe that another loss is in the cards.

Vikings 20, Bears 17


* If Trump actually gets elected, I wonder if his regime will force Wikipedia to take down all the pages on the subject of Islam. Then what am I supposed to do if I want to make a reference to Eid al-Fitr? Oh, I know. I'll move to Canada so I can use Canadiapedia. Seriously, if that guy becomes the POTUS you'll next hear from me in Montreal covering the Alouettes.

** Krista's mom is also missing a finger. Well, it's not actually "missing," per se. More like, in the top left drawer of Mrs. Wifey's vanity along with other trophy extremities harvested from women who became too bold. I'm flattered, Darlene, but you shouldn't have floated the idea of a "socket job" out there so publicly.



About The Author
Carl Mohrbacher has watched his friends become afflicted with a wide array of maladies including blood disorders, knee surgery, gout and naturally conceived infant children, all of which are preventing his peeps from sharing in good times. He finds this all very inconsiderate and wishes they had consulted him before developing chronic disorders that prevent them from joining him in alcohol-fueled adventures.


Carl Mohrbacher is our man on the Kool-Aid. He welcomes your comments.

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