Sports

The Blue & Orange Kool-Aid Report

By Eric Emery

Most years, a Bears Super Bowl appearance hangs in the balance due to a host of "Ifs."

For instance, the Bears go to the Super Bowl if Grossman stays healthy, if Tommie Harris returns to form, if Urlacher keeps it in his pants, etc. Mostly, everybody knew these "ifs" were insurmountable hurdles to success.

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This year, it's a foregone conclusion: The Bears are going to the Super Bowl.

This team is nearly bulletproof, in which only the most extraordinary of circumstances will keep the Lombardi Trophy out of Chicago.

Here are those extraordinary circumstances.

* Hollywood lures Devin Hester away to star in Forrest Gump II: The Return of Gump because they need another fast character with no brains.

* Olin Kruetz kills a man for snoring.

* Jay Cutler forgets to rein in his rocket arm, causing his receivers' hands to explode upon contact.

* To help games from being dominated by the defense, Lovie Smith hands off the defensive play calling to one of the four defensive coordinators on the team.

* Trying to save money, the ever-so-always skinflint Bears management team hires CTA repairmen to service the team airplane. Due to service delays, the Bears forfeit all away games.

* To help replace injured backup running back Kevin Jones, the Bears sign SNL cast member Will Forte.

* To replace injured backup running back Will Forte, the Bears sing former SNL cast member Will Ferrell.

* Brian Urlacher injures his hamstring after going to too many "Bring your father to school" days.

* Kicker Robbie Gould takes his nickname of "Solid" to heart by chopping his right foot off and replacing it with a solid gold foot.

* Jay Cutler tears muscles and ligaments in his back due to crying and carrying the team.

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Bears at Packers

Storyline: Bears and Packers resume the world's most famous rivalry this side of the Sunnis and Shia.

Reality: Will Lovie bore the Packers to death? Will McCarthy make a disastrous strategic call at the end of the game? Will the announcers call Urlacher a "superstar" linebacker? Yes.

Prediction: Bears Plus 3.5, Over 46 Points Scored

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Sugar in the Blue and Orange Kool-Aid: 85%

Recommended sugar in the Blue and Orange Kool-Aid: 100%

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For more Emery, please see the Blue & Orange Kool-Aid Report archives and the Over/Under collection. He welcomes your comments.

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