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The Blue & Orange Kool-Aid Report

By Eric Emery

Is Jay Cutler the Messiah?

He's at least Messiah-like. He shares initials with the big guy, his middle name is Christopher, and he's done battle against non-believers. In his (His) senior year of high school, he led his team to the state championship against Zionsville. Oh, and he was born in Santa Claus, Indiana.

If that isn't enough for you, here are some other similarities between Jay Cutler and Jesus Christ.

J. Christ: There were many false prophets before him.
J. Cutler: There were many false quarterbacks before him.

J. Christ: The prophet Moses spoke of a savior of the Jews.
J. Cutler: The prophet Ditka spoke of a savior of the Bears.

J. Christ: John the Baptist spoke of a man greater than he.
J. Cutler: Bears fans spoke of a quarterback better than Jonathan Quinn.

J. Christ: Spent 40 days wandering in the wilderness before God called him home.
J. Cutler: Spent 40 days wandering in Denver before the Bears called him home.

J. Christ: Said: "Bring your children on to me."
J. Cutler: Said to Urlacher: "Bring your children on to me, and I will totally babysit them."

J. Christ: Feeds 10,000 on a few fish and loaves of bread.
J. Cutler: No way he feeds 10,000 Bears fans. Have you seen the way these animals eat during a tailgate party?

J. Christ: Walked on water.
J. Cutler: Due to a fragile psyche, you have to walk on eggshells.

J. Christ: Said God: "This is my son, with whom I am well pleased."
J. Cutler: Said Lovie: "Jay is our quarterback, with whom I am well pleased."

J. Christ: Said: "Love thy neighbor as yourself."
J. Cutler: Will love center Olin Kreutz as himself.

J. Christ: Attacked moneychangers at the temple.
J. Cutler: Attacked agent for scheduling so many autograph sessions.

J. Christ: Son of a carpenter.
J. Cutler: Constructed his way out of Denver.

J. Christ: Turned water into wine.
J. Cutler: Turned water into wine and Lance Briggs got totally wasted and drove down I-94.

J. Christ: Said to Peter "When the cock crows three times, you will deny me."
J. Cutler: Said by Bears fans "When you commit three turnovers in the red zone, we will call for Caleb Hanie to start."


Percentage of water JC turned to wine: 100%

Percentage of sugar in the Blue and Orange Kool-Aid: 100%, plus extra sugar at the bottom of the pitcher.

Recommended sugar in the Blue and Orange Kool-Aid: 75%


For more Emery, please see the Blue & Orange Kool-Aid Report archives and the Over/Under collection. He welcomes your comments.

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Posted on Nov 26, 2021