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The Beachwood NFL Draft Primer

Whether you are a new fan or simply a fan who forgot to fall off the Bears bandwagon, this quickie primer for Saturday's draft is for you.

Draft Vernacular
NFL-types love their jargon. Last year you learned about the Tampa-Two in all it's Refuse To Blitz And Lose The Super Bowl glory. Now you need to learn new terms to navigate the sea of draftees:

Mock Draft: A series of draft pick predictions made by a football nerd who was mocked heavily for wearing Zubaz to school every day in the11th grade.

Upside: Player who pretty much stinks now, but could eventually play in enough NFL games to land a starting job in Canada.

Great athlete: Player whose number reflects his IQ.

High character guy: Player who is a big fan of the Jesus.

Character issues: Jargon for "low character guy."

High Motor: Player hustles on every play and/or hopped up on cocaine.

FAQ: The ESPN Stalwarts
One channel covers the draft every year: ESPN. How do I know this? ESPN constantly reminds us, as if their two self-important draft experts eradicated polio. Viewing this unexplained feeling of superiority causes questions:

1. I really hate Chris Berman during his spot appearances, but why does he also cover the whole NFL Draft? Chris Berman is like your Uncle Ken - once a funny and important part of your family who is now a punch line who only attends the most important family functions. Unfortunately, the NFL Draft is the football fan's Christmas, and he's hanging around the whole holiday weekend.

2. Who's that skinny guy they show in those old production pieces that looks strangely like Chris Berman? That's Chris Berman when he captured America's imagination with bad puns and classic rock lyrics - and before he turned to food to cope with his waning popularity.

3. Why are you so hard on Chris Berman? In part because I find it hard to believe that the same guy who came up with Andre "Bad Moon" Rison spends hours researching the needs and tendencies of every team and the unique abilities and faults of every player eligible to be drafted, even though he acts that way.

4. Who's the guy with the well-groomed hair and the slight resemblance to Eddie Munster's lost brother? That's Mel Kiper Jr.

5. What does Mel Kiper Jr. do? Kiper is the George W. Bush of the draft show. Like W., Kiper is as supremely confident in his judgements as he is consistently wrong. Yet, both still have their jobs.


Eric Emery writes Over/Under and The Blue & Orange Kool-Aid Report. Care to comment? Write to Eric and include a real name to be considered for publication.

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Posted on Sep 21, 2020