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The Beachwood Bowl Series

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The EagleBank Bowl
Wake Forest vs. Navy
RFK Stadium, Washington, D.C.
Dec. 20, 11 a.m. ESPN

Navy sees things the way they are and asks why. Wake Forest sees things the way they could be and asks why not. Plus, the Navy is just as broke as EagleBank. Demon Deacons devour Midshipmen.

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The New Mexico Bowl
Colorado State vs. Fresno State
University Stadium, Albuquerque
Dec. 20, 2:30 p.m. ESPN

Fresno is not a state, and longtime Beachwood readers know that this is grounds for disqualification under our sophisticated college bowl algorithm. Rams ravish Bulldogs.

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The magicJack Bowl
Memphis vs. South Florida
Tropicana Field, St. Petersburg, Fla.
Dec. 20, 4:30 p.m. ESPN2

South Florida has the home-field advantage, and that's not really fair, but then the dropped calls you suffer through without magicJack aren't really fair either, are they? Bulls blast Tigers.

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The Pioneer Bowl
BYU vs. Arizona
Sam Boyd Stadium, Las Vegas
Dec. 20, 8 p.m. ESPN

We're not sure if Mormons are allowed to gamble, but we do know they aren't allowed to gamble drunk or even hopped up on caffeine. So the much better-rested Cougars will waste the Wildcats.

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The R+L Carriers Bowl
Southern Miss vs. Troy
Superdome, New Orleans
Dec. 21, 8:15 p.m. ESPN

We're not sure Troy is a real school. We know Southern Miss is. And Southern Miss is actually a legitimate region, though we think it's called Southern Miss because most of its students can't spell Mississippi.

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The San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl
Boise State vs. TCU
Qualcomm Stadium, San Diego
Dec. 23, 8 p.m. ESPN

Is the San Diego County Credit Union the most powerful county credit union in the world? How did they get their own bowl? Maybe the players on these teams owe them money. The Broncos buck the Texas Christians.

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The Sheraton Bowl
Hawaii vs. Notre Dame
Aloha Stadium, Hawaii
Dec. 24, 8 p.m. ESPN

Notre Dame's in a bowl game? Didn't they go winless this season? At least they'll have to take a really long plane ride before getting their butts kicked. Obama will be at this game instead of explaining how Rod Blagojevich came to know who he preferred to fill his Senate seat. Blago will be here on his way to Micronesia, where he'll ask for asylum - and a job that pays $300,000 a year.

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The Motor City Bowl
Florida Atlantic vs. Central Michigan
Ford Field, Detroit
Dec. 26, 7:30p.m. ESPN

Wow, what a rich comedic vein. Let's try a few. Gee, more people would attend if they renamed it The Toyota Bowl. Officials insist Ford Field is safe even though it's in foreclosure. Non-union Florida Atlantic players get less money under the table than unionized Central Michigan. Game ends after three quarters unless federal government bails it out. Owls outscore demoralized Chippewas.

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The Meineke Car Care Bowl
West Virginia vs. North Carolina
Bank of America Stadium, Charlotte, N.C.
Dec. 27, 1 p.m. ESPN

Losers have to wash the winners' cars. But what's with another bowl team getting a home state advantage? Is this the new thing? Just for that, we'll pick the Mountaineers to trip up the Tar Heels.

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The Champs Sports Bowl
Wisconsin vs. Florida State
Citrus Bowl, Orlando
Dec. 27, 4:30 p.m. ESPN

Apparently Champs hasn't ponied up the dough to get naming rights to the stadium still named after what this game used to be called. Badgers bust Seminoles, pour orange juice over head of coach.

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The Emerald Bowl
Miami (Fla.) vs. California
AT&T Park, San Francisco
Dec. 27, 8 p.m. ESPN

If this was Miami of Ohio, that'd be one thing. And if this was U.S. Cellular Field, that'd be another thing. And if this was the Opal Bowl, that'd yet be another thing. But none of those things are so, so we'll pick the Golden Bears to hose the Hurricanes.

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The Independence Bowl
Northern Illinois vs. Louisiana Tech
Independence Stadium, Shreveport
Dec. 28, 8:15 p.m. ESPN

Maybe the home-state advantage thing is because no one can afford to travel anymore. Northern Illinois would struggle anyway because most of the team is under indictment. Bulldogs bite Huskies.

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The Papajohns.com Bowl
NC State vs. Rutgers
Legion Field, Birmingham
Dec. 29, 3 p.m. ESPN

NC State will order Rutgers a bunch of pizzas the night before the game and stick them with the bill. Unfortunately for them, Rutgers will return the prank but order from Domino's, sparking high indignation among the Wolfpack but also game-ending indigestion. The Scarlet Knights nullify NC State, move on to the Renaissance Bowl.

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The Valero Alamo Bowl
Missouri vs. Northwestern
Alamodome, San Antonio
Dec. 29, 8 p.m. ESPN

Is the Valero a car? A rental car perhaps? If so, don't buy the insurance. It's a rip-off. In any case, we'll take the Tigers to whomp the Wildcasts because we loathe elite rich-kid schools.

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The Roady's Humanitarian Bowl
Maryland vs. Nevada
Bronco Stadium, Boise
Dec. 30, 4:30 p.m. ESPN

Lift them cases and roll them amps, haul them trusses down and get 'em up them ramps, 'cause when it comes to this bowl, the Wolf Pack will give the Terrapins cramps.

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The Texas Bowl
Western Michigan vs. Rice
Reliant Stadium, Houston
Dec. 30, 8 p.m. NFL Network

Most Boring Texas Bowl Ever. We'd rather watch foreign reporters throw shoes at the president. We'll take Rice to roll just because.

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The Pacific Life Holiday Bowl
Oklahoma State vs. Oregon
Qualcomm Stadium, San Diego
Dec. 30, 8 p.m. ESPN

Winners get term life insurance. Losers must sing Madonna song at karaoke later that night. Cowboys kill Ducks.

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The Bell Helicopter Armed Forces Bowl
Houston vs. Air Force
Amon G. Carter Stadium, Fort Worth
Dec. 31, Noon ESPN

Always a favorite with comedy writers. This time the unfair advantage goes to Air Force, but as we've all learned over the last few decades, air power alone cannot win wars. Cougars cruise over, um, Air Forcemen. Er, the Pilots. Or whatever.

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The Brut Sun Bowl
Oregon State vs. Pittsburgh
Sun Bowl, El Paso
Dec. 31, 2 p.m. CBS

This bowl stinks! Yeah, too easy. But it's better than a beaver joke. As a matter of policy, we cannot pick recommend a team coached by Dave Wannstedt, so the Beavers overcome the Panthers.

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The Gaylord Hotels Music City Bowl
Boston College vs. Vanderbilt
LP Field, Nashville
Dec. 31, 3:30 p.m. ESPN

Jesus, where to start? How about this one: Would it be more embarrassing to win this game or to lose it? We'll predict a draw.

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The Insight Bowl
Kansas vs. Minnesota
Sun Devil Stadium, Tempe
Dec. 31, 5:30 p.m. NFL Network

A Midwestern match-up of mediocre midweights. They should rename this the Sun Devil Bowl and invite teams that aren't so nice. Jayhawks just get by Gophers.

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The Chick-fil-A Bowl
LSU vs. Georgia Tech
Georgia Dome, Atlanta
Dec. 31, 7:30 p.m. ESPN

It'd be a lot cooler if LSD was playing. We didn't know they had technology in Georgia, so we'll take the Tigers to take the sting out of the Yellow Jackets.

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The Outback Bowl
South Carolina vs. Iowa
Raymond James Stadium, Tampa
Jan. 1, 2009, 11 a.m. ESPN

Winners get seconds at the salad bar. Losers are deported to Australia. Gamecocks are just too unpleasant to pick, so we'll take the Hawkeyes to hang on.

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The Capital One Bowl
Georgia vs. Michigan State
Citrus Bowl, Orlando
Jan. 1, 2009, 1 p.m. ABC

We're pretty sure we did a David Spade joke last year, and may have asked what was in your wallet. Winners get 0% interest for six months, but that's not any better than what you get from the Federal Reserve these days. Spartans are too Greek; Bulldogs to bask.

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The Konica Minolta Gator Bowl
Nebraska vs. Clemson
Jacksonville Municipal Stadium, Jacksonville, Fla.
Jan. 1, 2009, 1 p.m. CBS

This game would be even better if it was sponsored by Xerox and played at the IBM Bowl. Faculty at winning school get to kick the shit out of their office printers. Losers have to find source of jam. Tigers tear apart Cornhuskers.

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The Rose Bowl Game Presented by Citi Bowl
Penn State vs. USC
Rose Bowl, Pasadena
Jan. 1, 2009, 4:30 p.m. ABC

We're sure it's pretty stale by now to say this one is sponsored by the American taxpayer, but we'll give it a shot anyway. This game is the real deal, between two powerhouses. Unlike our auto companies and financial firms.

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The FedEx Orange Bowl
Cincinnati vs. Virginia Tech
Dolphin Stadium, Miami
Jan. 1, 2009, 8:30 p.m. FOX

The Bengals go to their first bowl game in 40 years. If they lose, they will have to swap nicknames with VT and become the Hokies. The winners get (part-time) jobs at various FedEx-Kinko's locations across the country. Hokies hold on.

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The AT&T Cotton Bowl
Ole Miss vs. Texas Tech
Cotton Bowl, Dallas
Jan. 2, 2009, 2 p.m. FOX

The losers will be forced to sign-up with AT&T for a variety of phone services, while the winners will just be slammed later. Ole Miss with later play Southern Miss for the right to date Swiss Miss. Texas Tech more focused on the Southern Engineering Bowl where they will face off against either Virginia Tech or Georgia Tech. The Red Raiders ream the Rebels.

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The AutoZone Liberty Bowl
Kentucky vs. East Carolina
Liberty Bowl Memorial Stadium, Memphis
Jan. 2, 2009, 5 p.m. ESPN

The winners get (part-time) jobs with AutoZone at various locations across the country. The losers get (part-time) jobs at the company's new chain of stores, BikeZone. Because a whole state is always better than a half, the Wildcats pummel the Pirates.

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The Allstate Sugar Bowl
Utah vs. Alabama
Superdome, New Orleans
Jan. 2, 2009, 8 p.m. FOX

The losers have to take all the Katrina victims still living there home. The winners get to have their insurance claims rejected quicker. The Crimson Tide is a much cooler name than the Utes, and besides, it's a damn good movie, so Alabama undermines Utah.

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The International Bowl
Buffalo vs. Connecticut
Rogers Centre, Toronto
Jan. 3, 2009, Noon ESPN2

A perfect ending to the Bush era, when an "international coalition" meant one that Canada had joined. The winners get free take-out for life from the "international restaurant" of their choice. The losers return to America. Buffalo is yet another team named the Bulls, and Tim Russert was from there, so normally we'd take UConn. But UConn is another team named the Huskies (though we'd accept Cornhuskies or even Connhuskies as an alternative) and Connecticut isn't nearly as pretty as you might think it is. The Blue Jays in seven.

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The Tostitos Fiesta Bowl
Ohio State vs. Texas
University of Phoenix Stadium, Glendale, AZ
Jan. 5, 2009, 8 p.m. FOX

This bowl would be a lot cooler if it was sponsored by Pringles. Double-dipping will be penalized by a loss down and 15 yards from the spot of the foul. Ohio State will be penalized because it's from the Big Ten, which contains 11 schools, and Texas will be penalized because it seems like every school from Texas including the Lubbock Ladies College is in a bowl game. We'll take Texas to trim the Buckeyes because we love to hook 'em horns.

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The GMAC Bowl
Ball State vs. Tulsa
Ladd-Peebles Stadium, Mobile
Jan. 6, 2009, 8 p.m. ESPN

The winners will be required to buy a car from GM at 0 percent interest; the losers will be required to hand over a share of their taxes for a GM bailout and not even get a matchbox. Rick Wagoner will be hung in effigy at halftime. The game becomes three times more exciting in the fourth quarter after Nissan buys it. At the two-minute warning, though, the stadium is repossessed by the Chinese. The Golden Hurricane hurls the Cardinals.

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The FedEx BCS National Championship Game
Florida vs. Oklahoma
Dolphin Stadium, Miami
Jan. 8, 2009, 8 p.m. FOX

They should just let the BCS computer decide this game and slot these teams into the NFL playoffs as wild cards. We prefer Gators to Sooners, so we'll take Florida to ostracize Oklahoma.

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