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Given the current sociopolitical position of the NFL, Maroon 5 represents the only logical choice for this year's Super Bowl Halftime Show. Fronted by the human equivalent of a glow-in-the-dark condom, the band diligently catalogs incidents of sex while missing actual sexiness by a country mile. They rose to prominence on the questionable strength of an entire album that chronicles Adam Levine's insufficiently big dick energy, making their back catalog the perfect misogynistic complement to the NFL's increasingly uncomfortable displays of violence, oppression and general incompetence. It's like a surf-and-turf of toxic masculinity. And yet, the choice feels so fucking lazy.
Maybe it's the fact that I spent more time crafting the above paragraph than Maroon 5 has spent on their last three albums, but this just seems like a complete capitulation. The NFL used to challenge its audience to sit through the entire spectacle of the Super Bowl - ads and all - with nary a pee break. Now, they're just like, "Whatever, have a nice long crap if you like." Have you listened to a Maroon 5 song lately? No one in that band is remotely interested in the sounds they are making. The haven't managed a hit on their own merits since the mid-2000s. Instead, they've yoked themselves to a succession of more successful and relevant artists ever since Levine somehow managed to score a spot as a celebrity "singing coach" on The Voice. That strategy works great if you're hoping to score a modest summer earworm; when you're supposed to keep half a bajillion people locked to their seats on your own it's a problem.
Oh I know they won't be entirely on their own next Sunday, but let's face it - the supporting acts are a testament to the fundamental unlikability of both the NFL and Maroon 5. Cardi B is not coming. Christina Aguilera hates Levine's guts. All they could muster for support is the Out from Outkast and a passing hope that Travis Scott will propose to a Kardashispawn. Remember the utter banality of Coldplay a couple of years ago? Imagine that performance stripped of its earnest charm and vicarious star power. This is a noxious, noisy NFL fart in the face of viewers it presumably hopes will be too disgusted with the officiating to notice.
Whatever. Here are the bets.
1. What "songs" will Maroon 5 "play?"
2. Will Adam Levine start shirtless, end shirtless, neither or both?
3. Will Travis Scott propose to Kylie Jenner during the show?
4. What will Big Boi do exactly?
5. Autotune: obvious or subtle?
6. When will this just be over?
Have your guesses in by game time and I'll respond as soon as someone posts the set list to Wikipedia so I don't have to watch the show myself.
Previously In Beachwood Super Bowl Halftime Coverage:
* The 2009 Beachwood Super Bowl Halftime Bracket: Bruce Springsteen Edition.
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Posted on May 10, 2019