Take Me Outside To The Hawks Game

The NHL announced this week that the league's second annual Winter Classic outdoor game will be held at Wrigley Field between the Blackhawks and the Red Wings. Here are some of the details.

* Urinal troughs will be heated to prevent "urine-bergs."

* Old Style popsicles: $6.25.

* Left field bleachers to throw snowballs up toward the corporate A-holes sitting in the rooftops. Corporate A-holes to throw back balled up loan papers from foreclosed homes.

* Nets to be installed to protect those sitting under the upper level from falling icicles.

* Fans sitting in the left field bleachers will continue their streak of 242 games of not paying attention to the game.

*Chicago police will experience a revenue surge after fans write their names and address in the snow while urinating in Wrigleyville alleys.

* The Cubby Bear will change its name to the Blackhawk Bear and hold Mullet Night.

* The cryogenically frozen body of Harry Caray will sing the second-intermission stretch. One of these versions of the song will be chosen.

1.
Take me outside to the hockey game,
Take me out to the cold
Buy me hot cocoa and peppermint schnapps,
I'm half in the bag before the first puck drops,
For it's root root root for the Blackhawks,
If they don't win, it's the same,
For it's one, two, three degrees below
At the old hockey game.

2.
Take me out to the Hawks game
Take me out to the cold
Wearing no shirts out at Wrigley Field
Frostbite your wienie for the ol' highlight reel
For it's freeze, freeze, freezing your face off
If you can't speak it's a shame,
For I'm drunk, cold and almost passed out
At the outdoor Hawks game.

3.
Take me out to da Wrigley
Take me out to da Field
Buy me a toque and a cold Labatt's
I don't care if I freeze off my nuts
For it's root root root for a quick game
If it's overtime I'm in pain
'Cause it's January in Chicago
And hockey's an inside game

- Eric Emery, Rick Kaempfer, Marty Gangler, Steve Rhodes