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Marty Gangler is on special assignment searching his soul for naming his new son after a White Sox pitcher. He will return next week.
As many have noted, with the recent unveiling of Ron Santo's statue the Cubs don't have a whole lot of alumni left worthy of such an honor. But seeing as how these are the Cubs, worthiness is in the eye of the beerholder. Quite naturally, then, we here at The Cub Factor have some ideas:
* An animatronic Shooter with his pendulum arm swinging back and forth - it could actually be a clock too.
* An animatronic Randall Simon whacking the Italian Sausage. He became a Cub after that, after all.
* A statue of Tom Ricketts leaning up against the Noodle like the dork that he is.
* No-brainer: A statue of Tom Trebelhorn giving his firehouse chat at the station on Waveland.
* An animatronic Mark Grace bending an elbow at Murphy's.
* Moises Alou urinating on his hands. Could be moved from trough to trough and actually, um, urinate.
* A bust of Jose Cardenal's 'fro, captured in bronze.
* Sammy Sosa with his pals.
* Wrigley Gothic: Guy with a beer in hand, shirtless, cargo shorts drooping to show top of Jockey shorts and hat backwards; and big-chested bleacher nymph with a cell phone and a round mouth, signifying WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
* Starlin Castro fishing for sunflower seeds. An instant Cubs classic.
The Week in Review: The Cubs lost two of three to the Astros and took two of three from the Cardinals. The Cubs have actually won 14 of their last 20; they are 38-19 under Mike Quade in games played in August and September. Maybe he should manage in Australia.
The Week in Preview: The Braves come in for four and then the Cubs go to Milwaukee for three. The Cubs should lose all seven.
The Second Basemen Report: Barney Darwin continued to hold down the job at second base with all six starts. This cannot last. The indispensable Jeff Baker got one start at first while Blake DeWitt pinch-hit in one game and subbed in at left field in another. Just like Jim Hendry drew it up.
In former second basemen news, Ryne Sandberg isn't the only former Cub managing in the Phillies minor league system; Mickey Morandini is managing the Class A Williamsport Crosscutters.
The Zam Bomb: Seeing as how he's on the disqualified list, Big Z is merely Getting Angry these days. In private.
Marlon Byrd Supplemental Report: Conte is injecting Marlon with sedatives after he was asked to bat sixth on Friday, two spots down from Jeff Baker, and then asked to lay down a sacrifice bunt in the 10th with Tyler Colvin batting behind him. It was his first sac bunt as a Cub.
Lost in Translation: You're fired is Japanese for You're gonna be fired next month.
Endorsement No-Brainer: Starlin Castro for David.
Sweet and Sour Quade: 9% sweet, 91% sour. A complete reversal as Mike loses both his patron and his star young shortstop. And just like your thought-to-be well-adjusted uncle, Mike appreciated when Grandpa Jim got him in down at the plant, but maybe there was a reason he was always passed over when they had a job fair.
Ameritrade Stock Pick of the Week: Shares of the University of Chicago were down as Ricketts diminished the value of an MBA from there.
Over/Under: Chances that Quade survives past the last game of the season: +/- 0%.
Beachwood Sabermetrics: A complex algorithm performed by The Cub Factor staff using all historical data made available by Major League Baseball has determined that the Cubs are the Cubs no matter who owns them, manages them, or plays for them.
Farm Report: Cubs farm teams rank last or near last in walks at every minor-league level, Steve Stone pointed out this week on The Score.
The Cub Factor: Unlike Soriano, you can catch 'em all!
The White Sox Report: Know the enemy.
Get Your Gangler On: Follow Marty on Twitter.
Mike Quade Status Update: Seeing as how he'll have to ask Bobby Valentine what Starlin Castro was up to during the game Sunday night, we can only surmise that Mike Quade is . . .
Well-Adjusted / Delirious / High
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