Sports

Stanley Cup Credo

By Eric Emery

Reasons why you should care even though the Blackhawks won't be in it.

* Barcelona beat Manchester United earlier this week, so you will not longer be distracted by other sports you don't care about.

* Each team has an American on the fourth line, so you can get your small dose of patriotism.

* Detroit throws an octopus on the ice before the game, which signifies the eight GM brands that will cut later this year.

* Series will be shorter than Carlos Zambrano's suspension.

* All Pittsburgh fans grow playoff beards. And I do mean all.

* Viewing mandated under Springfield reform legislation to distract you while pols show you a thing or two about reform.

* Viewing mandated under Obama stimulus plan to distract you from stimulating your curiosity about America's pending bankruptcy.

* Better than watching Jon & Kate Plus 8. Barely, but better.

* Detroit's Marian Hossa played for Pittsburgh last year. To replace Hossa, Pittsburgh acquired Happy Days' Marian Ross to take his place. Both are equally good in the playoffs.

* Pittsburgh captain Sidney Crosby touched the Eastern Conference Championship trophy. Like the Bradys, Crosby was seriously hurt surfing and a dangerous poisonous spider crawled into his jersey.

* Gambling stakes stoke excitement: If Pittsburgh wins, Detroit must take Pirates. If Detroit wins, Pittsburgh must take Detroit.

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Eric Emery welcomes your crappy comments.

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