Sports

Replacing Ronnie

By The Beachwood Job Search Affairs Desk

The Cubs and WGN-AM are still looking for an analyst, ahem, to replace Ron Santo. The Beachwood has learned that the list of candidates includes the following.

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Candidate: Ronald McDonald
Pros: Organization already clown-friendly. And he's got a ton of land in Oak Brook for club to move to if city residents keep refusing to pay for stadium improvements.
Cons: Requires large makeup staff, even for radio; refuses to eat bison.

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Candidate: Steve Stone
Pros: He'll provide an honest, critical assessment of the Cubs.
Cons: He'll provide an honest, critical assessment of the Cubs.

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Candidate: Rahm Emanuel
Pros: Has residency.
Cons: Broadcast would need permanent seven-second delay

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Candidate: Vince Vaughn
Pros: Undemanding movie roles wouldn't get in the way of a 162-game schedule.
Cons: Box-office poison.

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Candidate: Bill Kurtis & Walter Jacobson
Pros: Undemanding anchoring schedule wouldn't get in the way of a 162-game schedule.
Cons: They'd actually have an audience again.

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Candidate: Sammy Sosa
Pros: Former Cub could bring insight to telecasts.
Cons: Forgot how to speak English at some point.

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Candidate: A billy goat
Pros: Would pay more attention to the game than Santo did.
Cons: Wouldn't have the patience to put up with the Cubs' poor play.

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Candidate: Bob Uecker
Pros: Legendary clownish announcer would fit right in.
Cons: Wouldn't have the patience to put up with the Cubs' poor play.

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Candidate: Todd Stroger
Pros: Already has a high name-recognition factor.
Cons: WGN nowhere near large enough to support jobs for all his relatives.

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Candidate: Rod Blagojevich
Pros: Slick talker who could persuade even the last holdout to become a Cubs fan.
Cons: Would describe events that never took place.

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Candidate: Tom Skilling
Pros: Having someone on the payroll who can explain in painstaking detail how barometric pressure can get some extra lift under the ball can't be all bad.
Cons: Lost without a green screen.

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Candidate: Satan
Pros: Unparalleled control of the very souls of listeners.
Con: Tempted Jesus by offering to turn stones into bread during prolonged fast in the desert. Jesus refused. Does not bode well for upcoming season.

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Candidate: Jesus
Pros: Patience of a saint.
Cons: Wouldn't have the patience to put up with the Cubs' poor play.

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Candidate: Bill Murray
Pros: Noted Cubs fan with strong name recognition.
Cons: He already made Groundhog Day.

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Candidate: Classic audio of Ron Santo
Pros: Nothing he said had anything to do with the game anyway.
Cons: Nothing he said had anything to do with the game.

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Contributing: Scott Buckner, Dan O'Shea, Mike Luce, Steve Rhodes

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Comments welcome.

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