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Realigning Baseball

So it seems Major League Baseball is considering realigning the divisions - or doing away with the divisions altogether and just admitting the top teams to the playoffs.

Realignment is something Beachwood Labs has studied for years. Here are our proposals.

* Eliminate divisions but keep two leagues: Felonies and Misdemeanors. Owners would remain in a white-collar criminal class of their own.

* Eliminate divisions but keep two leagues: Steroids and Not. A whole new market for extra large helmets.

* New divisions according to the most popular surnames in the game: Rodriguez, Martinez, Gonzalez, Perez, Garcia, Hernandez and Ramirez.

* The iPod Shuffle Realignment: New divisions randomly chosen every year. Sponsored by Apple, which would get its logo on every sleeve in the game and a Genius Bar at every ballpark.

* New divisions according to the prevalence of team facial hair: Beards, Goatees, Mustaches, Mutton Chops, Soul Patches, Chin Straps and Clean-Shaven.

* Two leagues divided by whether their managers despise or merely dislike Tony LaRussa.

* Put the Yankees, Red Sox and Phillies in their own division and broadcast every game on ESPN Sunday-thru-Fridays and Saturdays on Fox. Everyone else would just get a local TV contract.

* The Moneyball League vs. The Scouts Selling Jeans League.

* The Negative Return On Investment Division (-ROI), Sponsored by Bernard L. Madoff Investment Securities LLC. Teams in this division must be in the top ten in payroll, yet also suck at baseball (Cubs, White Sox, Twins, Mets, Angels).

* Take a page from European soccer and sort the teams into flights, named after the quality of their shoe contracts (Nike, Adidas, Reebok, Underarmour, Converse, K-Swiss, Keds, Stride Rite).

* Create an encased meats division where each team is managed by one of Milwaukee's sausages.

- Carl Mohrbacher, Mike Luce, Don Jacobson, Dmitry Samarov, Steve Rhodes

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Comments welcome.

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