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Promotional Considerations

When you can no longer go to the ballpark for pleasure, you can go for the promotions. And the Cubs' September schedule is loaded.

Date: September 7
Promotion: American Doll Day
Comment: Fans are encouraged to come back in eight years when the doll can be equipped with her own "Old Style beer attachment" and "drunken frat boy - now with real hurl!"

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Date: September 8
Promotion: Chest Protector Backpack Giveaway
Comment: If only the backpack protected your front, where your heart resides, because they've been breaking that for the past 105 years.

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Date: September 20
Promotion: Halfway To St. Patrick's Day Celebration
Comment: Drink every time a Cub gets caught halfway between bases.

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Date: September 22
Promotion: Kids Run The Bases
Comment: Oh, and there's some sort of promotion, too.

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Date: September 23
Promotion: Zubazpalooza
Comment: Cubs introduce new alternate uniforms.

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Date:September 24
Promotion: Oktoberfest Celebration
Comment: A primer for Cub fans unfamiliar with that month.

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The Cubs will also give away each game to the first 25 guys who walk into the visting clubhouse.

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The Week in Review: The Cubs lost two of three to the Dodgers and took two of three from the Phillies last week, and have already lost the first two of a three-game set against the Marlins this week. Theo must be root, root, rooting against the home team because they're fourth in the reverse standings, a game-and-a-half behind the White Sox. If Dale wins too many more games, he might get fired.

Week in Preview: After the finale against the Marlins today, the Cubs get a day off before the Brewers come in for a weekend series. The Brewers are just a game behind the Cubs in the reverse standings, so they hope to gain some ground by losing some ground.

The Second Basemen Report: Who even cares anymore.

The Third Basemen Report: Smurphy!

Wishing Upon A Starlin: His new walk-up song.

The Legend of Dioner Navarro: Base-clogger.

Endorsement No-Brainer: Dioner Navarro for Comcast.

Laughable Headline of the Week: At 7-15, Edwin Jackson Expects To Rebound.

Deserted Cubs: Tony Campana's OBP is .413 in 16 games with the Diamondbacks. He's also becoming a highlight machine.

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Ameritrade Stock Pick of the Week: Shares of Patience are down as Cub fans realize the Opening Day lineup for next year looks exactly like the lineup today.

Sveum's Shadow: Dale Sveum's Five O'Clock Shadow hovers around 9:30 p.m. for another week as he loses interest as well. And just like his Uncle Lou, he realizes he should put in a full day on Friday but with vacation coming up, who can really concentrate?

Shark Tank: The Cubs staked him to a five-run lead against the Phillies but as he labored - again - by throwing 103 pitches in 6 2/3 innings, he gave all five back in an eventual 6-5 loss. His ERA is 4.13, which is hardly ace material. He did get another six strikeouts, though.

Jumbotron Preview: Five-thousand-seven-hundred square-feet of Jeff Samardzija coming out of the bullpen.

Kubs Kalender: Wait 'til next year 2015 2016 2017.

Over/Under: How many times Cub media uses the word "spoilers" over the remaining 24 games: +/- 240 times.

Beachwood Sabermetrics: A complex algorithm performed by The Cub Factor staff using all historical data made available by Major League Baseball has determined that it's not cute anymore.

The Cub Factor: Unlike Alfonso Soriano Starlin Castro, you can catch 'em all!

The White Sox Report: Know the enemy.

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The Cub Factor welcomes your comments.

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