Beachwood Sports ArchiveA monthly look back
Beachwood Sports VideoPlease Stop Believing 99 Years of Cub Losses The 1908 Song Blame It On Bartman We Can't Wait 100 Years Dusty Must Get Fired
Search The Beachwood Reporter
Subscribe to the Newsletter
When you can no longer go to the ballpark for pleasure, you can go for the promotions. And the Cubs' September schedule is loaded.
Date: September 7
Promotion: American Doll Day
Comment: Fans are encouraged to come back in eight years when the doll can be equipped with her own "Old Style beer attachment" and "drunken frat boy - now with real hurl!"
Date: September 8
Promotion: Chest Protector Backpack Giveaway
Comment: If only the backpack protected your front, where your heart resides, because they've been breaking that for the past 105 years.
Date: September 20
Promotion: Halfway To St. Patrick's Day Celebration
Comment: Drink every time a Cub gets caught halfway between bases.
Date: September 22
Promotion: Kids Run The Bases
Comment: Oh, and there's some sort of promotion, too.
Date: September 23
Comment: Cubs introduce new alternate uniforms.
Promotion: Oktoberfest Celebration
Comment: A primer for Cub fans unfamiliar with that month.
The Cubs will also give away each game to the first 25 guys who walk into the visting clubhouse.
The Week in Review: The Cubs lost two of three to the Dodgers and took two of three from the Phillies last week, and have already lost the first two of a three-game set against the Marlins this week. Theo must be root, root, rooting against the home team because they're fourth in the reverse standings, a game-and-a-half behind the White Sox. If Dale wins too many more games, he might get fired.
Week in Preview: After the finale against the Marlins today, the Cubs get a day off before the Brewers come in for a weekend series. The Brewers are just a game behind the Cubs in the reverse standings, so they hope to gain some ground by losing some ground.
The Second Basemen Report: Who even cares anymore.
The Third Basemen Report: Smurphy!
Wishing Upon A Starlin: His new walk-up song.
The Legend of Dioner Navarro: Base-clogger.
Endorsement No-Brainer: Dioner Navarro for Comcast.
Laughable Headline of the Week: At 7-15, Edwin Jackson Expects To Rebound.
Deserted Cubs: Tony Campana's OBP is .413 in 16 games with the Diamondbacks. He's also becoming a highlight machine.
Ameritrade Stock Pick of the Week: Shares of Patience are down as Cub fans realize the Opening Day lineup for next year looks exactly like the lineup today.
Sveum's Shadow: Dale Sveum's Five O'Clock Shadow hovers around 9:30 p.m. for another week as he loses interest as well. And just like his Uncle Lou, he realizes he should put in a full day on Friday but with vacation coming up, who can really concentrate?
Shark Tank: The Cubs staked him to a five-run lead against the Phillies but as he labored - again - by throwing 103 pitches in 6 2/3 innings, he gave all five back in an eventual 6-5 loss. His ERA is 4.13, which is hardly ace material. He did get another six strikeouts, though.
Jumbotron Preview: Five-thousand-seven-hundred square-feet of Jeff Samardzija coming out of the bullpen.
Kubs Kalender: Wait 'til
next year 2015 2016 2017.
Over/Under: How many times Cub media uses the word "spoilers" over the remaining 24 games: +/- 240 times.
Beachwood Sabermetrics: A complex algorithm performed by The Cub Factor staff using all historical data made available by Major League Baseball has determined that it's not cute anymore.
The Cub Factor: Unlike
Alfonso Soriano Starlin Castro, you can catch 'em all!
The White Sox Report: Know the enemy.
The Cub Factor welcomes your comments.