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Over/Under

By Eric Emery

Do you know anything about investing? Of course you don't. That is why you read an expert's analysis. But do they know anything? If an expert really knew anything, they wouldn't bother writing about it and would instead spend the time actually investing and making mounds of money .

The same goes for NFL prognosticators. My record is below .500, so I'm perfectly suited to predict which 2-2 teams will finish with a winning record:

Team: Dallas

Buying sign: Team packs in 100,000-plus for first home game in new stadium. Roughly 20,000 fans pay $29 for standing-room-only tickets to watch game on the massive screen over the 50-yard line.

Selling sign: Roughly 20,000 fans discover they can watch it at home for free.

Advice: Buy and while you are at it, just invest in a better TV and stay home. It's cheaper.

*

Team: Washington

Buying sign: Maybe massively brutal head coach Jim Zorn will soon be fired.

Selling sign: Most likely, an equally brutal head coach will be hired in Zorn's place.

Advice: Sell but buy stock in a moving company.

*

Team: Green Bay

Buying sign: Leaves turning into beautiful colors this fall.

Selling sign: Stomachs turning into massive ulcers due to eating too many cheese curds.

Advice: Sell, but buy cholesterol controlling medicines

*

Team: Pittsburgh

Buying sign: Fans still confident enough to say "I cannot hear your criticism, I must have six Super Bowl rings stuck in my ears."

Selling sign: It better to talk shit after winning at least six times in the current season.

Advice: Buy but sell an extra ring at pawn shop.

*

Team: Jacksonville

Buying sign: There is little else to do in Jacksonville.

Selling sign: Real estate values suck in Florida mostly by virtue of it being in Florida.

Advice: Sell, but buy your timeshare somewhere else.

*

Team: Houston

Buying sign: It's grown to be our fourth largest city by population.

Selling sign: It's grown to be the fourth best team in their division.

Advice: Sell, but buy a house in Houston. For some reason, people like the place.

*

Team: San Diego

Buying sign: It's a great place to be in November and December.

Selling sign: It's not a great place to leave for an inevitable first round playoff loss.

Advice: Buy and also buy tickets for the San Diego Zoo in January.

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OverHyped Game of the Week: Colts at Titans

Storyline: What happened to the Titans? Are they distracted by head coach Jeff Fisher's pornstache?

Reality: Little known rumor: Fisher has a shirt that says "Mustache Rides: Free"

Prediction: Colts Minus 3.5 Points, Over 45.5 Points Scored

*

UnderHyped Game of the Week: Patriots at Broncos

Storyline: If you expected the Broncos to be 4-0, you were smoking crack.

Reality: Have you seen my crack pipe?

Prediction: Broncos Plus 3.5, Under 42 Points Scored

*

Record: 5-7

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For more Emery, please see the Blue & Orange Kool-Aid Report archives and the Over/Under collection. He welcomes your comments.

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