Sports

Over/Under

By Eric Emery

At the conclusion of this year, the NFL will need to negotiate a new collective bargaining agreement with the Players Association. Commissioner Roger Goodell will be at the forefront of this effort. In order to have enough time and energy to broker a deal, perhaps Goodell should delegate some of his other duties so he may focus on the negotiations. I believe he is wise to take a page out of the Obama playbook and name some czars help Goodell out. I already have some suggestions.

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Czar of Officiating: Serena Williams Why: Officiating is really important to Serena, especially if it is match point. Strength: Expects perfection. Weakness: Would threaten to fucking kill all those who make an officiating error.

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Czar of In-Stadium Music: Kanye West
Why: Beyonce needs the royalties.
Strength: Would bring style to timeouts and halftime.
Weakness: Would appear on the field out of nowhere and award the game to the losing team.

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Czar of Player Suspensions: Richard M. Daley
Why: He leads by example.
Strength: Embarrassing off-field incidents cease.
Weakness: Embarrassing off-field incidents cease because herefuses to acknowledge that they happen.

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Czar of the Players' Pension Program: Barack Obama
Why: He is a "reformer.
Strength: Has a way with other people's money.
Weakness: Ex-players wishing for hip replacement surgery would have to visit "the death panel" before surgery would be approved.

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Czar of Post-Game Fireworks: Kim Jong-il
Why: Kids and kid-size adults love fireworks.
Strength: Used to firing things into the air that make a lot of noise but do little damage.
Weakness: All staff must be under five feet to a make Kim seem taller.

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Czar of Security: Drew Peterson
Why: Has experience as both cop and perp.
Strength: Expertise in how suspects try to get away with murder.
Weakness: He would either marry or kill a succession of players' wives.

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Czar of Day Care: Brian Urlacher
Why: He loves kids so much he keeps having them.
Strength: Familiarity with children.
Weakness: Could not adequately do the job with a cast on his hand.

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Czar of Relocation Services: Jay Cutler
Why: Expertly engineered a recent move no one thought possible.
Strength: Expertise in negotiating severance packages.
Weakness: Unable to do the job in Wisconsin.

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Czar of Heckling: Joe Wilson
Why: He'll need a new job soon.
Strength: Brevity.
Weakness: Timing.

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Czar of Race Relations: Jimmy Carter
Why: Self-hating white person.
Strength: He can talk Bible.
Weakness: Forgets that while every racist is an asshole, not every asshole is a racist

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Over-Hyped Game of the Week: Giants at Cowboys
Storyline: It's the Cowboys' home opener! What? They have a massive TV hanging really close to the field? Will a punt hit it? Will it come crashing down? Is it Bush's fault or Obama's fault?

Reality: Eli Manning is so boring that if you had him over he'd probably want to watch the Food Network instead of hockey. So if you watch this game, it will be like watching TV for a neat quiche recipe.

Prediction: Giants Plus 3 Points, Under 44.5 Points Scored

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Under-Hyped Game of the Week: Ravens at Chargers
Storyline: Both teams did well last year. Both teams crapped themselves in the playoffs last year. One team has a nickname that has nothing to do with the city. The other has a nickname whose inspiration came from a drunken poet who was suspenseful and alcoholic.

Reality: Never bet on the alcoholic.

Prediction: Chargers Minus 3 Points, Over 40.5 Points Scored

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Record: 0-2.

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For more Emery, please see the Blue & Orange Kool-Aid Report archives and the Over/Under collection. He welcomes your comments.

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