Over/Under

By Eric Emery

If a column called Over/Under failed to make some predictions on the current line regarding regular season wins, we might as well be one more oxymoron, like Microsoft Works or the Detroit Lions.

Team: Denver Broncos
Line: 6.5 wins
Prediction: Under. John Denver behind the controls of a plane is the only Denver worse than this Denver.

Team: Detroit Lions
Line: 4.5 wins
Prediction: Under. Like the Obama health plan initiative, this team suffers 14 setbacks.

Team: Washington Redskins
Line: 8 wins
Prediction: Under. It's the Democrats' fault. Or the Republicans'. Or the NFL's.

Team: New York Giants
Line: 9.5 wins
Prediction: Under. Plaxico Burress starts prison team called "Mean Machine" and later challenges Giants to game and wins. A guard aims a rifle at him when it looks like he's trying to escape, but instead he accidentally shoots himself bending over to pick up a football.

Team: Green Bay Packers
Line: 9 wins
Prediction: Under. Team too busy fielding crank calls from Brett Favre asking if the team bus is running to get in enough practice.

Team: Minnesota Vikings
Line: 9.5 wins
Prediction: Under. Team too busy fielding crank calls from Brett Favre pretending to be Aaron Rodgers making crank calls to get in enough practice.

Team: Arizona Cardinals
Line: 8.5 wins
Prediction: Under. Football analysts use tired metaphor to suggest this team will rebound from the flames of last year's Super Bowl defeat to rise again. Too bad the phoenix of mythology has a 500- to 1,000-year lifespan.

Team: San Diego Chargers: 10 wins
Prediction: Over. Norv Turner uses Family & Friends Plan to call brother Ron five times a day asking "Do you think the Chargers will finally fire me if we get 13 wins and we lose in the playoffs?"

Team: Your Super Bowl Champions and My Pittsburgh Steelers
Line: 10.5 wins
Prediction: Over. Never bet against a city that puts fries and cole slaw on a sandwich.

Team: Your Chicago Bears
Line: 8.5 wins
Prediction: Over. Like the drive for the 2016 Olympics, Daley will convince the city council that 11 wins are free, only to discover in the playoffs that the team isn't worth all that time and money.

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Over-Hyped Game of the Week: Steelers at Titans

Storyline: An old school grudge match between two AFC powerhouses.

Reality: Steve McNair gets in his car . . . Too soon?

Prediction: Steelers Minus 5, Over 35 Points Scored

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Under-Hyped Game of the Week: Eagles at Panthers

Storyline: With Vick out until Week 3, a lost Joe Buck embarks on a discussion of the merits of Cash for Clunkers.

Reality: Hey Joe Buck, it you're as poignant as you think you are, leave the easy issue of "dog-fighting is bad" alone and tackle this one: Nearly 10 years ago, then-Panthers WR Rae Carruth conspired to kill his girlfriend. How about a discussion of wealth and the severity of prison sentences in America? Shut your mouth and call the game.

Prediction: Panthers Plus 1, Under 43.5 Points Scored

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For more Emery, please see the Blue & Orange Kool-Aid Report archives and the Over/Under collection. He welcomes your comments.

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