Sports

Over/Under

By Eric Emery

Somehow in American society, polls now represent and measure every possible thought and belief within our society. Concerned about fishing in California? What about the preferred gift for Father's Day? Ever wonder about the size of people's iPods? I didn't, until I found this. Polls express and solve everything. In this spirit, I propose that the NFL cancels the regular season, and allow polls to decide the winners of each division. In fact, we already have some exit results.

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NFC East Contenders: NY Giants vs. Washington

At issue: The evil contained in New York vs. the evil contained in Washington. Truly, it's a decision between two evils.

Beachwood Projected Winner: New York Giants. When evil happens in New York City, it stays in New York City.

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NFC Central Contenders: Chicago vs. Green Bay

At issue: Who wins the holy trifecta of quaint Midwestern attributes: grossly obese residents, nasally accents, and reliance on cheap lawn ornaments.

Beachwood Projected Winner: Chicago. Our accent isn't quaint.

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NFC South Contenders: Tampa Bay vs Carolina

At issue: Which city can care less about the other major sports teams in the area.

Beachwood Projected Winner: Carolina. Tampa Bay showed that the best way to make the World Series is to have a fan base that doesn't care about the team. Are you taking notes, Cubs fans?

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NFC West Contenders: Arizona vs. St. Louis

At issue: Cardinals used to reside in St. Louis. Now, a different crappy team resides in St. Louis.

Beachwood Projected Winner: St. Louis. They were who you thought they were. And you let them go.

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AFC East Contenders: Buffalo vs New England

At issue: Crab cakes vs. chicken wings.

Beachwood Projected Winner: Buffalo. Duh.

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AFC Central Contenders: Pittsburgh vs Baltimore

At issue: Which city is more "blue collar."

Beachwood Projected Winner: Baltimore. Ohioan "Joe the Plumber" probably hates the Steelers just as much as he hates paying taxes.

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AFC South Contenders: Tennessee vs Jacksonville

At issue: Which fan base will be less distracted by college football?

Beachwood Projected Winner: Jacksonville. They stopped following the Gators when Spurrier left.

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AFC West Contenders: Denver vs San Diego

At issue: Mile-high living vs. sea-level living.

Beachwood Projected Winner: Denver. Because John Denver said so.

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OverHyped Game of the Week: Colts at Titans
Storyline: There is nothing in this world Peyton Manning can't do. In fact, he even used his doppelganger skills to become Eli and win the Super Bowl last year.

Reality: Talking about evil, shape-changing beings, the Colts look more like the 1984 Colts than a playoff contender.

Prediction: Tennessee Minus 3 Points, Under 42 Points

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UnderHyped Game of the Week: Cardinals at Panthers
Storyline: A battle of two teams that most people don't care about, unless you're related to one of the players or perhaps the equipment manager.

Reality: You really cannot predict what will happen. If you have watched each team play, you wonder how they actually win. So chances are that the winner will win through some totally unostentatious method, such has running the ball effectively.

Prediction: Carolina Minus 4.5 Points, Over 44 Points Scored

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Last week's picks: 3-3
For the season: 16-10-4

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Eric Emery grew up in small-town Illinois but has an irrational love of the Pittsburgh Steelers. Every week he writes The Blue & Orange Kool-Aid Report and Over/Under. He also is a spark plug in floor hockey. You can reach him here.

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