Sports

Over/Under

By Eric Emery

For the third consecutive year, the Emery household shall host a Super Bowl party. I haven't handed out questionnaires after each party, but I'm confident that the first two were major successes. And that's not just because of the results of the games (Steelers won, Bears lost). I take great effort to provide a full interactive experience for my guests. It's more than having a good TV and ample beer supply. It's the little things that help make the party successful. Here are my keys to a successful Super Bowl party.

1. Divide the room according to allegiance. Give duties and gifts to each side:

* New York fans required to make 9/11 comments at every possible opportunity. New England fans required to recall various occasions meeting the Kennedys.
* New England fans get help pawking their caws. New York fans get help stealing those cars.
* New York fans receive pre-game phone call from Phil Simms. New England fans receives pre-game phone call from Steve Grogan.
* After each touchdown, the scored-upon side must remind their rivals that their hockey, basketball, baseball, WNBA, and soccer teams still suck.

2. Gambling is an integral part of the Super Bowl. Square pools are the thing of the past. Guests should be given the opportunity to bet on the following:

* The aggregate length of the Star Spangled Banner performance, plus the host's time in the bathroom after "breaking the seal."
* Number of times announcers say "Tom Brady might be the best quarterback in football history."
* Number of times announcers say "Tom Brady might be the hunkiest quarterack in football history."
* Time at which a guest states "The Patriots are crushing the Giants. Anybody wanna play a game of Madden?"

3. During the Super Bowl, some viewers tune in solely for the commercials. Print and distribute the following guidelines to enhance the experience for all.

* Unlike every other day of the year, keep conversation to a minimum during commercials.
* Depending on your persuasion, don't use the bathroom until you've seen the latest "Go Daddy" commercial.
* Be a patriot and buy one of everything that is advertised. Our economy needs you.
* Call every 800 number advertised and tell whoever answers the phone "I really liked your commercial. Your product stinks, but for some reason, the commercial still compelled me to call."

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Super Bowl XVII: Giants at Patriots

Storyline: Tom, Tom, Eli, Tom, Eli, Peyton, Archie, Tom, boot, Tom, hot model girlfriend, Eli, choke, playing better, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom.

Reality: In baseball, it's wise to pick the team with the hottest pitchers. In hockey, teams ride a "hot" goalie. In football, hot, yet marginal quarterbacks on fragile teams usually crap themselves in the spotlight of the Super Bowl. Paging Neil O'Donnell!

Pick: New England Minus 12, Over 53.5 Points Scored.

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For more Emery, see the Kool-Aid archive, and the Over/Under archive. Emery accepts comments from Bears fans reluctantly and everyone else tolerably.

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