Sports

Over/Under

By Eric Emery

I attended a Peoria Rivermen hockey game this week. Clearly, the only people who attend hockey games in Peoria are season-ticket holders who all know each other. Two such people were seated near me: A lady to my right and a guy behind me. The lady to my right asked the guy behind me "What happened to your arm?" My first thought: "I slipped on some ice" or "I hurt it at work." The actual answer: "I was jumped by four guys in Pekin."

The funny thing, though, was how he left out all the details about what really happened.

I do wish I could be everywhere at once, so I could have heard all the other interesting conversations from last week's games. Here are my best guesses as to what those were - and what information was missing.

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From Lambeau Field
Missed Quote: "Wow, it's cold out here!"
Missing Information: The only thing he was wearing was a brandy flask.

Missed Quote: "Holy crap, Eli Manning?"
Missing Information: This was said yesterday by still-stunned Packers fans.

Missed Quote: "Dear God. I know that I don't pray often, but if you could, please make the Giants kicker miss for the third time."
Missing Information: Bill Belichick is God, and He'd rather play the Giants.

Missed Quote: "Giants Head Coach Tom Coughlin is really tough. He is not wearing anything to protect his face from the elements."
Missing Information: Coughlin feeds off of his own anger to keep himself warm.

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From Foxboro
Missed Quote: "The Chargers have a chance to win this game. All they need to do is convert some of these field goals to touchdowns."
Missing Information: "And perhaps genetically engineer a virus that kills all the Patriots."

Missed Quote: "How cool would it be to be Tom Brady?"
Missing Information: "Yeah, you could sit in front of a mirror all day and say 'I'm Tom Fucking Brady'."

Missed Quote: "Let's all hold our heads high. Our Chargers had a great season."
Missing Information: "We won 10 more games than I thought a Norv Turner-coached team could win."

Missed Quote: "We're undefeated and going to the Super Bowl!"
Missing Information: "Yeah. Hey, how 'bout those Celtics?"

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Results
Last week: 1-3 (0-2 Against the Spread, 1-1 Over/Under)
Season: 52-65-1 (22-37-1 Against the Spread, 31-29 Over/Under)

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For more Emery, see the Kool-Aid archive, and the Over/Under archive. Emery accepts comments from Bears fans reluctantly and everyone else tolerably.

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