Beachwood Sports ArchiveA monthly look back
Beachwood Sports VideoPlease Stop Believing 99 Years of Cub Losses The 1908 Song Blame It On Bartman We Can't Wait 100 Years Dusty Must Get Fired
Search The Beachwood Reporter
Subscribe to the Newsletter
Last week I covered NYG/SEA and ATL/NO. Just in case you wondered. I hope you forgot my picks.
What we should not forget about is Katrina. The Monday Night crew waxed poetic on how game relieved the pathos of New Orleans. Except that few of those who spent time the SuperShelter actually attended the game. This fact was not lost on my wife, who said after the countless crowd reaction shots, "So, how many people were affected by Katrina, yet then all the white people get a concert?"
After the white folks' concert, G.H.W. Bush performed the coin toss. Though in last week's Over/Under, I predicted G.W. would receive the honor. [Editor's Note: You can't even pick the coin toss right?] Ironically, G.H.W. Bush marched in to finish the work of his son. [Editor's Note: Nice line. All is forgiven.]
Because I focused on three NFC games last week, I spent very little time talking about the AFC. This also means you probably spent very little time watching the Cleveland Browns II at Cleveland Browns I. So to help catch you up to speed, here is the first installment of "What I Learned on CBS."
While you were enjoying the Bears/Vikings game with the cogent analysis of Dick Stockton and ex-Cowboy Darryl Johnston, I toiled under the work of the world's worst quarterback father, Phil Simms. Hindsight is always 20/20, but perhaps we should have seen Chris Simms' poor play a mile away, given his old man is so brutal. This is proof players should never coach their son's Pop Warner teams. If Chris' mind at birth is a tabula rasa, Phil ruined the slate with "Of course it looks bad when you're not executing. When things go bad, it's not going to look good" and "I haven't thought about it. I'm not capable of deep thinking." Obviously.
For the 3 p.m. games, I spent a good amount of time watching the Seahawk slap the Giant like reality slapping the president. In a prior Kool-Aid Report, I mentioned Lovie Smith's voice sounds like Cleveland's from The Family Guy. In the file of "amusing likenesses," Tom Coughlin enjoys two entries: Face made while passing a kidney stone and incredulous face made by my wife when I say "I'm going to watch 12 hours of football on your birthday." Like the Giants, I also suffered humiliating defeat.
When I wan't watching the Giants/Seahawks, I flipped over to Browns II/Browns I game. During those 10 minutes, the announcers mentioned Browns II quarterback Charlie Frye's love for the Browns. I'm still not sure what makes this a compelling story. If nothing else, this makes Charlie Frye mindless, given that the Browns he enjoyed in his boyhood ceased to exist. It would be like remaining a big David Hasselhoff fan because he was the coolest detective with the coolest car while pretending to be unaware of his German music videos and appearance in the worst variety show contest on TV. If America Has Talent, how can a judge sans talent tell?
On a more serious note, CBS pimped Condi Rice's attempt to appear human on 60 Minutes. All through the 3 p.m. game, CBS ran promos for Rice's interview. I did not watch the interview, but I'm guessing this question failed to make the cut: "Condi, when you stand in front of a mirror, can others see your reflection?"
CBS did have a marketing problem on its hands. How do you convince us to watch the Rice interview and bond with what makes her human when there is no evidence that she actually is?
Well, CBS went for it, but they went for it a bit too hard when they boasted "Rice listens to Led Zeppelin when she works out." What, they thought that in an instant, Condi would go from "Bush sycophant setting foreign policy back 30 years" to "Holy cow, does she wear a "Monsters of Rock" tour shirt when she works out? Does she like to Ramble On? Does she make love to Kashmir?"
The problem is, we know Condi doesn't make love. She makes war.
For her part, interviewer Katie Couric, in her new role as serious newsperson, failed to ask the obvious follow-up question: "What are your favorite Zeppelin songs?" Now, if Condi would have said "Black Dog" or "Stairway to Heaven," we would all know that "Satisfaction" and "Pinball Wizard" appear as well on her "Condi's Classic Jams" mix tape. On the flip side, had she answered '"Moby Dick" and "Bring it on Home,", I would have rushed out and bought some G.W. Bush Underoos and matching feetsy pajamas. We would have to reassess the whole situation.
But that would never happen, because we know Condi isn't a rocker in her heart. She doesn't even know the words to the songs.
And, ss your President once said "If you don't stand for anything, you don't stand for anything."
Here are the most over/under hyped games for Week 4 that I'm standing for.
Over Hyped: Green Bay at Philadelphia, Sunday, October 1, 3:15 p.m.
(As mentioned in the Kool-Aid Report, I will use faulty information to make all my viewing recommendations and picks.)
Every Monday night game has hype, but this one has way too much. The ESPN slogan of "Is it Monday night yet" should be replaced with "Is it a week from this Monday night yet?" This matchup is so bad, Phil Simms would look good covering this one.
Philly is known for a few things: Ben Franklin, cheese steak, and nice fans. These nice fans carried the Eagles to victory two weeks ago, as the Eagles held off a late surge by the San Francisco Giants.
Even though Green Bay possesses less talent that the Eagles, their veteran leadership usually keeps them in games. Brett Favre, Edgar Bennett, and Robert Brooks provide the base of a rock solid, consistent offense. On defense, even the great play of Vonnie Holliday prevents the Packers from keeping this one close.
(Seriously) Pick: Philadelphia minus 10.5/Over 45.5points
Under-hyped game: New England at Cincinnati, Sunday October 1, Noon
One team recently lost to the Packers in the Super Bowl. The other team lost to the 49ers. Both teams carry undefeated records into a game to determine who has the inside track for the 1st round bye.
Too bad that we are talking about the AFC. Last year the 6th seed from the NFC defeated the 1st seed from the AFC.
The Bengals win going away with their ability to run the ball. When you have two guys like Ickey Woods and James Brooks that could run for 1,000 yards each, you can wear down a broken down Patriots defense. Even MacGyver couldn't fix this defense with a paper clip, bubble gum, and a 1991 version of Reggie White.
(Seriously) Pick: Cincinnati minus 4.5/Over 44.5points
To see just how badly Eric Emery is doing this season, check out the Over/Under archive.
More from Beachwood Sports »
"Mary Cain's male coaches were convinced she had to get 'thinner, and thinner, and thinner.' Then her body started breaking down."Continue reading "I Was the Fastest Girl in America, Until I Joined Nike" »
Posted on Nov 8, 2019
What exactly is the self-delusional mental construction that allows everyone - actually demands - to be wrong about the same question?Continue reading "Status Check: Chicago Sports" »
Posted on Nov 7, 2019