Subscribe to the Newsletter


Perhaps the most ridiculous commercial today is the Career Builder spot where they liken the office environment to a jungle. Office work must really that bad all over to give that commercial such wide appeal. Funny, then, how they're trying to get you a job at one of them.

And if you're in an office pool - or just talk ball at work - the ignorant beasts really start buzzing about. Let's take a look at the various types who probably work in your office.


Identifying the Monkey: It's the co-worker who jumps across the NFL landscape flinging poo about your team. Probably watched 30 minutes of ESPN to learn just enough to make fun of you.
Shutting up the Monkey: Tell him "I know you heard that from Chris Berman. He's funnier than you, and Berman is not that funny."


Identifying the Tiger: It's the co-worker who lays in weeds quietly until lashing out at an inopportune time with a lame joke about Tank Johnson and Ben Roethlisberger meeting at a traffic accident.
Shutting up the Tiger: Fight fire with fire. Return with "Oh, were you the guy that had to chopper out?"


Identifying the Sloth: It's the co-worker who lays back and doesn't help even while you're being attacked.
Shutting up the Sloth: Deflect the attacker's attention to the sloth by embellishing a past conversation with the sloth. Turn to the sloth and say "Remember when you said Favre was completely worthless without prescription drugs, alcohol, and hookers? Certainly, I agreed with you on the first two, but come on."


Identifying the Anaconda:It's the co-worker who slowly approaches and smothers your will to live with endless stats.
Shutting up the Anaconda: Surreptitiously leave a package of doctored stats in his mailbox to choke on when he spits them out.


Identifying the Barracuda: It's the co-worker who circles hapless victims with other barracudas.
Shutting up the Barracuda: As you see the school of barracuda approach, pretend your cell phone was on vibrate and "answer" the phone until they swim away.


OverHyped Game of the Week: Redskins at Patriots
The jungle talk reminds me of going to the Out of Africa Wildlife Park in Phoenix. They had a show called "Tiger Splash" featuring tigers that would run into the water trying to catch beach balls, balloons, and other assorted items. They made those tigers look fun and friendly. Like the New England Patriots' 7-0 record against the spread, if you turn your back to a tiger, consider your spleen and liver separated from your body. Even if you are the 4-2 Washington Redskins.

Pick: New England minus 16.5 Points, Over 48 Points Scored.


UnderHyped Game of the Week: Packers at Broncos
Again, at the aforementioned park, my wife and I encountered two giraffes. To get them to come over, all you needed to do was buy the food from the machine, and the clicks attracted the giraffes over to you. The noise and the subsequent award was enough for the giraffes. It's kind of like Brett Favre and the Green Bay Packers. They seem to play well in close games, especially when the opposing fans make the most noise possible.

Pick: Green Bay plus 3, Over 41 Points Scored.



Last week: 2-4 (1-2 Against the Spread, 1-2 Over/Under)
Season: 18-24 (7-14 Against the Spread, 11-10 Over/Under)


For more Emery, see the Kool-Aid archive, and the Over/Under archive. Emery accepts comments from Bears fans reluctantly and everyone else tolerably.

More from Beachwood Sports »

I Was the Fastest Girl in America, Until I Joined Nike

"Mary Cain's male coaches were convinced she had to get 'thinner, and thinner, and thinner.' Then her body started breaking down."

Continue reading "I Was the Fastest Girl in America, Until I Joined Nike" »

Posted on Nov 8, 2019

Status Check: Chicago Sports

What exactly is the self-delusional mental construction that allows everyone - actually demands - to be wrong about the same question?

Continue reading "Status Check: Chicago Sports" »

Posted on Nov 7, 2019

Breaking Beachwood Sports Feed!