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Like any sporting endeavor, the NFL has winners and losers. These days, the Bears are losers - enough so that the sports guys on Channel 5 the other night reverted to asking if the Bears were who we thought they were. When you start to live up to one of the most infamous loser rants of all time, you know you're on your way to Loserville. Who else resides there?


1242 Loser Lane: Mike Ditka
Why: Continued high profile only magnifies how he fumbled away a dynasty after one Super Bowl and then set back both Ricky Williams and the New Orleans Saints for a number of painful years. And his dick doesn't work.
How He Can Become a Winner: Choke Chris Berman to death.


1243 Loser Lane: Ricky Williams
Why: Quitting football to smoke more weed than Snoop Dogg's posse is surpassed only by moving to Canada during peacetime.
How He Can Become a Winner: Choke Mike Ditka to death.


1244 Loser Lane: Jim Mora
Why: Fathered Jim Mora Jr., spreading his loser seed twicefold upon the league.
How He Can Become a Winner: Smoke dope with Ricky Williams.


1245 Loser Lane: Tiki Barber
Why: Insufferable broadcast commentary on NBC follows insufferable Cadillac Escalade commercials follow sinsufferable career.
How He Can Become a Winner: Choke the insufferable Bob Costas to death.


1246 Loser Lane: Chris Berman
Why: Like the Rolling Stones, failed to quit in 1985 when he still had a sliver of freshness left in him.
How He Can Become a Winner: Choke Tiki Barber to death.


1247 Loser Lane: The Cincinnati Bengals
Why: Equally poor at running a defense and running from police.
How They Can Become Winners: Hire Ditka to coach and put Ricky Williams and Tiki Barber in the backfield.


1248 Loser Lane: The Miami Dolphins
Why: They were actually better when Dave Wannstedt (1249 Loser Lane) coached the team.
How They Can Become Winners: Schedule more games against Cincinnati.


OverHyped Game of the Week: Colts at Jaguars
Storyline: Unbeaten Indy travels to 4-1 Jacksonville in a major AFC South showdown. Jaguars usually play Indy tough, and they get them at home.
Reality: The Jaguars are overmatched. Don't even think about it.

Pick: Indianapolis Minus 3 Points, Over 44.5 Total Points Scored.

UnderHyped Game of the Week: Buccaneers at Lions
Storyline: Two mediocre teams who will soon be exposed despite surprisingly strong starts.
Reality: Both teams are better than anyone thought they would be. This game is an early indicator of which one might be playoff-ready. I say the Bucs.

Pick: Tampa Bay Plus 2.5 Points, Under 44.5 Total Points Scored.


Last week: 1-5 (0-3 Against the Spread, 1-2 Over/Under)
Season: 16-20 (6-12 Against the Spread, 10-8 Over/Under)


For more Emery, see the Kool-Aid archive, and the Over/Under archive. Emery accepts comments from Bears fans reluctantly and everyone else tolerably.

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