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If the Bush Administration ran the NFL.


The Offensive Surge: The five worst teams will be allowed 15 players on offense until they are ready to stand up on their own.

Reason: The league's losing teams aren't devoid of purpose, planning or passion, they simply need more people to execute the plan they knew would work all along.

Complication: Additional salaries cause spiraling deficits while teams become reliant on extra players. Biconference study group can't find way out.


No-Bid Contracts: Halliburton supplies game logistics and equipment.

Reason: Dick Cheney gets kickbacks, keeps antitrust litigation at bay.

Complication: Teams pay $10,000 for each set of shoulder pads, only half of which arrive before the season is over. Injuries strain players' union health insurance fund, resulting in lost pensions to make up the difference. Broken-down aging players sink into poverty, straining social services. Cheney dies a multibillionaire.


Fixed Elections: Head coaches win four-year terms in contests run by Diebold.

Reason: Democracy means ensuring the best outcome regardless of the people's will.

Complication: Suspicions will be raised when every head coach in the league is white.


Phony Ethics Legislation: Teams no longer accept corporate sponsorships. Instead, you just have to be spectacularly rich - preferably through inheritance - to own a team.

Reason: Return America to its roots.

Complication: Corporations always find loopholes. For example, Olin Kreutz suspiciously changes his name to Heinz.


The Flouting of the League Constitution: The president has inherent powers and he's gonna take 'em.

Reason: Because 9/11 changed everything.

Complication: Even the NFL base will call for impeachment.


For more Emery, see the Kool-Aid archive, and the Over/Under archive. Emery accepts comments from Bears fans reluctantly and everyone else tolerably.

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