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Our Chicago Sports Museum

"And now, from the man who blew up the Bartman Ball, roped the FBI into the investigation of a missing Stanley Cup puck and X-rayed baseballs to see if a decades-old World Series was rigged: Grant DePorter, CEO of Harry Caray's Restaurant Group, brings you the Chicago Sports Museum," the Sun-Times reports.

Yada yada yada.

Planning for The Beachwood Sports Museum of Chicago is now underway. Exhibits and items to include:

* The Wrigley Field rooftop contract under glass.

* Our own private label wine sealed with cork from Sammy Sosa's bats.

* Dunk Ditka: The dunk tank to end all dunk tanks.

* The American Medical Association's list of diseases Jay Cutler's unvaccinated kids are likely to contract.

* Animatronic Ozzie. The former White Sox manager will spout racist non sequitors at visitors on an endless loop.

* Animatronic Elia. Eighty-five percent of the fuckin' world is working. The other fifteen percent come out here. A fuckin' playground for the cocksuckers.

* The Michael Jordan Files. Authentic reproductions of his gambling slips.

* The Bill Wirtz Memorial Hall. Enter a world without TV.

* Chicago 2016. An exhibit depicting life in Chicago if we had won that Olympic bid.

* The Miracle of '98. When steroids saved baseball.

* The actual white flag of 1997.

* This guy discussing the new Soldier Field.

* The real Chelsea Dagger on an extended residency.

* A urinal trough signed by Moises Alou.

* Greeter Albert Belle.

* The Beachwood Players re-enact Patrick Kane slugging a Buffalo cab driver at 1, 3 and 5 - a.m.

* A complete set of ties from the Chicago Fire.

* Animatronic Urlacher. Reminding you how ungrateful you are to be in his animatronic presence.

* The Lovie Smith Challenge Lab. Using a high-speed collider and a federal grant, the nation's top physicists try to crack the algorithm Lovie Smith uses to determine which calls to challenge.

* Greeter Dennis Green.

* Duncan Keith's teeth. He has agreed to store them here between games.

* Steve Bartman's interview requests. Through a quirk in the federal Freedom of Information Act, we were able to acquire every smarmy interview request every made of Steve Bartman.

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Comments welcome.

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