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"And now, from the man who blew up the Bartman Ball, roped the FBI into the investigation of a missing Stanley Cup puck and X-rayed baseballs to see if a decades-old World Series was rigged: Grant DePorter, CEO of Harry Caray's Restaurant Group, brings you the Chicago Sports Museum," the Sun-Times reports.
Yada yada yada.
Planning for The Beachwood Sports Museum of Chicago is now underway. Exhibits and items to include:
* The Wrigley Field rooftop contract under glass.
* Our own private label wine sealed with cork from Sammy Sosa's bats.
* Dunk Ditka: The dunk tank to end all dunk tanks.
* The American Medical Association's list of diseases Jay Cutler's unvaccinated kids are likely to contract.
* Animatronic Ozzie. The former White Sox manager will spout racist non sequitors at visitors on an endless loop.
* Animatronic Elia. Eighty-five percent of the fuckin' world is working. The other fifteen percent come out here. A fuckin' playground for the cocksuckers.
* The Michael Jordan Files. Authentic reproductions of his gambling slips.
* The Bill Wirtz Memorial Hall. Enter a world without TV.
* Chicago 2016. An exhibit depicting life in Chicago if we had won that Olympic bid.
* The Miracle of '98. When steroids saved baseball.
* A urinal trough signed by Moises Alou.
* Greeter Albert Belle.
* The Beachwood Players re-enact Patrick Kane slugging a Buffalo cab driver at 1, 3 and 5 - a.m.
* A complete set of ties from the Chicago Fire.
* Animatronic Urlacher. Reminding you how ungrateful you are to be in his animatronic presence.
* The Lovie Smith Challenge Lab. Using a high-speed collider and a federal grant, the nation's top physicists try to crack the algorithm Lovie Smith uses to determine which calls to challenge.
* Greeter Dennis Green.
* Duncan Keith's teeth. He has agreed to store them here between games.
* Steve Bartman's interview requests. Through a quirk in the federal Freedom of Information Act, we were able to acquire every smarmy interview request every made of Steve Bartman.
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